Air Force’s ‘loving’ warfighting strategy making China anxious
BEIJING – People’s Liberation Army generals have admitted to rising apprehensions about a war with the United States after discovering that a key component of the US strategy is love.
Alarm mounted in Beijing after intelligence analysts obtained an internal memo by Air Force Lt. Gen. Michael Minihan from an airman’s private email. In the memo, Minihan predicted a war with China by 2025 and described his approach to victory as “tough, fair and loving.”
“Our warfighting strategy has always involved leveraging technology and creating overwhelming force,” stated PLA Gen. Wang Guanzhong. “It was hard enough to pit that against the power of American thoughts and prayers, but now we have to contend with love, too?”
The generals also expressed worry and confusion over the heightened tactical training outlined in the memo, including a directive to “aim for the head” in shooting drills.
“They know the head is very small, right?” asked a perplexed Gen. Liu Zhenli.
Following an emergency meeting of senior military officials, Zhenli added, “We believe the Americans have either developed super soldiers with incredible aim or have been playing too much Call of Duty. We consider both to be grave concerns.”
The meeting concluded with a mandate for Chinese technology firms to begin researching how to harness the power of friendship. Outlined penalties for not abiding by the directive included prison time, kidnapping, and death.
At press time, Chinese factories had increased production of “Live, Laugh, Love” signs by 340 percent.