New Coast Guard coloring book of drowned corpses promotes life jacket use
By Slab Squatthrust
ORLANDO, Fla. — In an effort to promote life jacket use for children of all ages, the US Coast Guard released a coloring book of drowned corpses and introduced a new mascot, Bloatie, the Carcass Full of Crabs.
This is the newest coloring book in the Coast Guard Public Affairs series “Be Safe or Suffer The Consequences.” Public Affairs Officer Second Class Jeb Murray said the new volume features art of floating dead bodies, as well as new activity pages including “Next of Kin Notification” word search, “match-the-missing-clothes with the dead body” games, and “find the carcass in the bundle of floating debris.”
“How else are we supposed to encourage safety on the water than provide kids examples of real consequences if they do not follow simple requirements,” Murray said.
The Coast Guard released the book as part of Boating Safety Month.
“So many people drown every year due to not donning their life jackets during water-based emergencies,” Maurray said. “So, hopefully this will scare the living bejesus out of kids to make sure they know we’re not messing around.”
The new mascot, Bloatie, is not afraid to metaphorically (we hope) drown others to get his point across. Ask him what he stands for and he will tell you: “I would love to SINK into some nachos but I’m dead because I didn’t listen to the Coast Guard.” He will then continue to guilt-trip anyone at a boat show until they understand the seriousness of life jackets.
“I thought my life jacket was too uncomfortable but you know what’s really uncomfortable? HAVING A BUNCH OF CRABS EATING YOUR INSIDES,” he says on his official Twitter profile. “I thought my friends would make fun of me because I was wearing a life jacket but now I’m dead and I don’t have friends.”
Murray said children have been very receptive to the new strategy and have even begun telling their therapists about Bloatie. The Coast Guard is hoping to feature Bloatie in a series of animated YouTube videos.
You can purchase the Coast Guard’s new coloring book at the service’s official website, at the nearest US Coast Guard base/facility, or at any funeral where the deceased drowned because of not wearing a life vest.
Slab Squatthrust is USCG person in the middle of nowhere.