Report: All female-crewed Chinese spy balloon performed Super Bowl flyover
GLENDALE, Ariz. – For the first time in Super Bowl history, the pregame flyover was conducted by an entirely female-crewed Chinese spy balloon, according to sources.
“Representation matters,” commented NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “I want little girls to know that they too can one day attempt to topple a global hegemony by conducting unopposed incursions into its airspace for the purpose of espionage.”
Sources familiar with the matter claim that top NFL executives initially resisted the idea until meeting with representatives from Disney, the NBA, and the Chinese Communist Party.
According to the People’s Liberation Army Navy Air Force Redundancy Department of Redundancy (PLANAFRDD), the balloon was stitched by ethically-sourced, all-female child labor in a factory next door to where they assemble iPhones. The dirigible was then transported by submarine to the Port of San Francisco, loaded onto a Panda Express delivery truck, and delivered to Chinese state-owned farmland in Northern California.
It was there the device was inflated, outfitted with surveillance equipment for Jumbotron videography, and launched by its historically diverse crew of all women. The route of flight reportedly included a brief stop over above Area 51 and before continuing harmlessly to the final destination of Glendale, Arizona.
Though the event was met with fanfare, especially by large corporations and media outlets, there are some who opposed the idea of an all-female Chinese flyover.
“These ladies are taking jobs away from hard-working Chinese men. I mean do we even know if they are qualified to fly that thing?” ranted red-pilled Thad Chaddington who, at press-time has four DUIs and relies on his mother to make his medical appointments.
“I just don’t like the idea of a foreign government collecting our data,” said acclaimed Gen-Z social-media influencer Madduhsynn-Tayleigh Muhkeighleigh in a recent TikTok dance.
Despite some political blowback, the Chinese have found an unlikely ally in The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company, whose CEO Richard Kramer was recently caught on a hot mic making reference to the little-known Ohio Secessionist Movement and a plan to strike amidst the distraction.
The Akron-based company has allegedly been biding its time since its 1898 founding, quietly collecting airborne intelligence on generations of U.S. citizens, slowly plotting the downfall of the Republic and the once and future rule of the United States of Ohio.