Navy sends influencer to Super Bowl instead of fixing your ship
GLENDALE, Ariz.—Super Bowl LVII may be a showdown between the Eagles and the Chiefs but there will be an onscreen face more familiar face than Patrick Mahomes’—full-time social media influencer and part-time active-duty naval officer Lt. Janie Schmuckatelli, who will be attending the game on behalf of the Navy!
The Instagram phenom, who has well over 80,000 followers, is stationed in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, but frequently makes trips—on the Navy’s dime, and sometimes in supersonic Navy aircraft—to locations such as San Diego, San Francisco, Washington, and New York City for PR purposes. She has also enjoyed many international trips, such as the Navy-Notre Dame game in Ireland and a Glamour magazine shoot in Paris, France. While travel is frequently part of being in the Navy, it typically has to do with work that is useful to the fleet. Schmuckatelli, a public affairs officer, has been building her social media presence since she was a junior at the Naval Academy.
“You know my slogan,” Schmuckatelli told reporters during her Media Day appearance. “Women can wear boots and makeup at the same time!” In fact, Schmuckatelli has crafted an entire platform based around the incorrect notion that she is the only woman in the Navy allowed to wear lipstick.
From time to time she will do paid promotions for products on Instagram but insists that this is not in violation of any Navy policies because she has put “not Navy endorsed” on all of her social media accounts. In spite of this, she still has several photographs of her in uniform while proudly displaying a variety of commercial products. She is also rumored to be the top choice to be the official spokes-PAO for the Navy’s new frigates, if any ever leave the shipyard.
The average taxpayer or sailor might wonder why it is even necessary for Lt. Schmuckatelli to go to the Super Bowl in person. But the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Michael Gilday, made the importance of this trip clear in a recent statement.
“Sure, Janie has never closed out a maintenance board or gone underway,” he said. “And she has no idea who Michelle Howard is but what does any of that matter? She is attractive, and we are hoping to get new recruits. Retention is low and, well, we are pretty desperate,” he said. “I think her presence at the game will be worth every penny!”
Exactly how many pennies are funding this trip? Several. The average hotel room in Glendale, Arizona is going for hundreds of dollars more than the official $250 a night, and the cheapest ticket for the game on Stubhub was retailing at $,3200 at press time. Coupled with airfare to and from Hawaii, the price adds up to a tidy sum but many insist that this is the best way to use the defense budget. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Lieutenants Schmuckatelli doesn’t even have to use DTS to filer her reimbursement.
Lt. Cdr. Samantha K, a surface warfare officer serving as the Chief Engineer—also known as the “CHENG”—on board a destroyer that she asked to be identified as the Cinston S. Whurchill to protect her anonymity, will be standing duty this weekend and is excited to see another female Naval Officer on TV.
“I imagine it costs a lot to get her out there but that’s super cool,” she said. “Although, when we were deployed last year, we lost two pallets of food during a replenishment so we were on half rations for the next month. Our Suppo never got the extra funds to replace that food. But this seems to be a better use of that money anyway.”
Lt. Cdr. K continued to express her support by saying “Our main reduction gear has been in the hurt locker for the past four months, and we can’t get the tech reps or parts onboard because it’s ‘too expensive.’”
“But you know, sure, send her to the Super Bowl. I will get to see her have the time of her life while I am standing my port and starboard watch in the Main Control.”
She then muttered “CHENG can never catch a break,” before chugging a Rip It and going on watch. She did however, apply a fresh coat of lipstick before departing- proof that Lt. Schmuckatelli is indeed a role model.