Multiple F-35s shot down in 3-hour dogfight with Chinese balloon
By Cat Astronaut
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — In a failed mission to stop a Chinese balloon from infiltrating American airspace, sources say at least seven U.S. F-35 fighter aircraft were shot down by the object in a harrowing 3-hour dogfight this weekend.
“The balloon was too fast, too maneuverable, too heavily armed. Our F-35s didn’t stand a chance,” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Charles Brown said. “We were goddamn sitting ducks out there, and it picked us off one-by-one.”
Despite the inexplicable nature of a balloon flying all the way from China to the U.S. and shooting down seven stealth aircraft, the Chinese government has denied accusations of hostile intent.
“It’s a balloon. We think your airplanes just suck,” read a statement from China’s People’s Liberation Army. “Actually, we know they suck because we make a lot of the parts here.”
The F-35 has long been hyped as the next generation of anti-balloon aerial warfare, with program managers claiming it can outperform even the most advanced dirigible in air-to-air combat.
But the fifth-generation aircraft’s first test in a real-world battle proved otherwise. Three of the F-35s were shot down as soon as they came within range of the balloon. Another two were ripped to shreds after smashing into its centimeter-thick nylon skin. The final two were downed accidentally by a newlywed couple on a hot air balloon tour in Pennsylvania.
The incident has served as a wake-up call for the Department of Defense. The Pentagon has already committed to investing $100 billion into inflatable weapons research and development over the next decade and another $100 billion into really big pins.
“If there’s one thing we’ve learned from all this, it’s that our nation will not be safe until our skies are filled with lots of sharp pointy objects,” Brown said. “Sure, it’ll be loud and make us all jump out of our seats when those things go ‘pop,’ but it’ll be worth it.”
He added, “We just need to make sure the Marines don’t eat the little shreds of balloon afterward.”
Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed reporting.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman who spends his free time deadlifting in silkies. You can read more of his writing at his medieval and fantasy Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.