2nd Lieutenant for sale to a good home
By As For Class
Attention all potential buyers! Are you tired of your current second lieutenant being just… a second lieutenant? Are you in need of an upgrade?
Look no further, because we have the perfect second lieutenant for you!
This top-of-the-line second lieutenant has all the features you could want in a junior officer: impeccable attention to detail (when it comes to their own appearance, at least), a unique ability to delegate all their work to their subordinates, and a talent for—well. Let’s see. Well, just keep reading and you’ll find out!
The best part? This second lieutenant comes with a built-in excuse generator, ensuring that they’ll drag their platoon through any hardship and keep themselves clean. Just activate the “I’m sorry, I’m just a lieutenant” function and watch as they smoothly squeak through the cracks of the system on the path toward general officer.
And if you’re worried about this second lieutenant’s ability to lead in the field, fear not! They may get a little lost while on the trail, but that’s what non-commissioned officers are for. The lieutenant is guaranteed to at least physically be there.
This second lieutenant isn’t all talk – for example, they are experts at calling in airstrikes on their own position (accidentally, of course). And if you’re ever in a tight spot, just give this second lieutenant a radio and watch as they confidently call in fire support, even if they have no idea where they are or what they’re doing.
Don’t wait too long to make your decision—this deal won’t last forever! Act now and get your very own second lieutenant, complete with multiple polos for unit events, and the highest and tightest of haircuts (both of which they will insist on maintaining at all times, regardless of the situation).
Why wait? Take the first step towards a brighter, more efficient future with your very own second lieutenant. Order now and watch your military career soar to new heights!
Don’t just take our word for it. See what our satisfied customers have to say about their experiences with their new second lieutenant:
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“I never thought I’d be able to afford a second lieutenant of my own, but thanks to this amazing deal, I now have my very own junior officer to boss around and blame things on. It’s like a dream come true!” —Capt. Ellen Main
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“I was a little hesitant at first, but I’m so glad I took the plunge and got this second lieutenant. They’ve completely transformed my unit – we’re all way happier, optimistic about our own careers, and more likely to avoid actual work. I couldn’t be happier!” —Major John Baldwin
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“I never knew what I was missing until I got my own second lieutenant. They’ve brought a whole new level of incompetence to my unit, and I couldn’t be more pleased. I wouldn’t say blaming subordinates is ever a good thing for leaders to do, but second lieutenants are a different breed. Thanks, second lieutenants, for making my life easier!” —Sgt. Maj. Gerardo Garcia
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“Oh, thank GOD! A new lieutenant. I’m so happy to no longer be the new guy.” —1st Lt. Rodolfo Sanchez
But wait, there’s more! This second lieutenant also comes with a variety of additional features and bonuses.
For example, they are an expert at attending all the right meetings and looking busy while they’re there, even if they have no idea what’s going on.
And if you’re in need of some bureaucratic red tape, this second lieutenant has an almost supernatural ability to create it. Need a report? No problem!
Just give this second lieutenant a deadline, and they’ll have a beautifully formatted document for you – complete with charts, graphs, and a whole lot of fluff – in no time. Just don’t expect any actual substance.
And if you’re worried about morale, have no fear!
This second lieutenant is a master at giving rousing speeches that are guaranteed to leave their troops feeling semi-inspired – even if the speeches are mostly regurgitated movie quotes. Just sit back and watch as your troops march off to battle with renewed vigor and a complete lack of understanding of their mission.
And that’s not all!
This second lieutenant is also a master at playing the military-political game.
Need a favor from a higher-up? Just send this second lieutenant to brown-nose their way into their good graces.
If you need to cover your tracks and avoid blame, this second lieutenant has a knack for spin – they can turn even the most disastrous situation into a Cinderella story. Everyone loves a comeback story. And every full bird loves a lieutenant redemption opportunity.
So don’t miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own your very own second lieutenant. Order now and see the difference they can make in your military unit!
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
