Snowden begins to suspect Russia spies on its citizens
MOSCOW — Recently sworn-in Russian and champion of civil liberties Edward Snowden is beginning to suspect that the government in Moscow may be spying on the nation’s 143 million citizens, according to multiple sources.
“I can’t put my finger on it,” said Snowden to his friend and GRU handler Ivanna Belyaev. “I can’t shake the feeling that the government might be infringing on our right to privacy.”
“How do you mean?” replied Belyaev. “Please speak clearly into the totally normal coffee mug President Putin gave you as welcome present.”
Snowden, who was granted Russian citizenship last September and subsequently took an oath of allegiance to the state, admitted to being shaken by the possibility that a government subject to the whims of a former KGB agent for the past two decades might not respect the rights of its citizens. Although he couldn’t articulate the basis of his newfound concern, one friend, who agreed to speak only on condition of anonymity because, well, Russia, said Snowden seemed to become suspicious after a recent Christmas party.
“Some of his friends voiced skepticism about the ‘special military operation’ in Ukraine,” said the source. “The next day, every single one of them was on a train to the front lines.”
“Of course, this was probably just a change of heart, and they were overwhelmed by patriotism for the Motherland,” the source shouted to his empty apartment.
“Long live Putin,” he added.
Snowden was so alarmed after the surprise enlistment of his comrades into a war they just criticized that he sent an email detailing his concerns directly to President Putin. Within minutes, he received a response from each friend, informing him how much they loved the army and couldn’t wait to destroy “the Nazis in Ukraine.”
Snowden’s growing concern about privacy infringement has been met with astonishment from his comrades who haven’t been thrown in prison or enlisted to fight the war.
“It’s like he doesn’t trust Comrade Putin to respect the rights of ordinary Russians,” said Dimitry Volkov, tasked with monitoring Snowden’s digital and voice communications. “I hate to think he’s losing faith in the system. His idealism is so very inspiring.”