Fort Bragg strip club owners donate $1B in weapons to Ukraine
FAYETTEVILLE, NC — Regional adult entertainment establishment owners are putting their asses out there for a change and leading a massive weapons donations drive for Ukraine, sources confirmed today.
“Yep, we’re sending arms to Ukraine,” said Salvatore “Sonny” Sabarro, owner of the popular Cheetah 4 “Kitty Glitter” gentleman’s club in Fayetteville. “This is hella more important than hosting bachelor parties for Fort Bragg kids getting married way too young.”
Sabarro’s donation drive began soon after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky’s recent visit to Washington in which commenter Tucker Carlson described the president as “dressed like the manager of a strip club.”
“If that was meant as a burn it didn’t work,” Sabarro said, “Zelensky came off as a badass, and I wear suits by Dolce & Gabbana.”
Sabarro realized an opportunity to help Ukraine by donating excess self-defense firearms from the Fayetteville and Camp Lejeune areas.
“The club owners and our clients all own a lot of guns and seeing them throw lead at Russians is a life-long goal for most of us,” Sabarro said, “besides, today, our clubs are more vulnerable to a cyber-attack than a physical theft.”
“The club owners and their friends really put out for Ukraine,” Sabarro said.
“We gathered about a battalion’s worth of M-4s, 240 Bravos, MK-19 grenade launchers, a few 50-caliber machine guns, a good dozen mortars, about a hundred num-chucks, some crossbows and battle axes, an arquebus, a trebuchet, and two Putin voodoo dolls.”
Based on his recent success, Sabarro and other owners have launched the “Weapons from Mass Seduction” online registry that allowed strip club and pawn shop owners nationwide to sign up for needed weapons.
Sabarro said that the pawn shop inclusion significantly increased donations because “people have put some seriously high-end shit up in for hock, and we’re not asking questions.”
“Pawn shops from outside Camp Pendleton signed up to send two AMTRACs and a hovercraft,” he said. “From around Fort Benning, we got enough Javelins to knock out every Russian tank in the Donbas Region. The gang around Fort Sill sent us the parts to make at least one HIMARS launcher.”
Sabarro said that he and the Fayetteville club owners are confident they will reach $1 billion in donations once counterparts near Air Force and Navy installations join in.
“We can get some old F-16s from the boys near Davis-Monthan Air Force Base,” he said, “and I haven’t ruled out getting a Littoral Combat Ship from those San Diego pawn shops.”
Asked about what might have inspired Carlson’s “dressed like a manager of a strip club” comment, Sabarro responded, “he’s probably getting that from the New Jersey strip clubs, where that’s their look.”
“We hear he’s a really lousy tipper,” he said.
Related Links:
Join the Duffel Blog Community
Leave us a comment or talk with your fellow readers in the comments below the story….
Or join us in the Duffel Blog Chat in the app and introduce yourself! Click below to say hi.