CIA reveals Santa was killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971
WASHINGTON — In news sure to shock millions this holiday season, recently declassified CIA documents have revealed that Santa Claus was shot down and killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971.
The trove of over 700 pages documenting the top secret mission has shed new light on the dangers involved in spreading Christmas cheer to active war zones.
“It was supposed to be a typical airdrop. Toys, cigarettes, ammo, the usual. But our intel was bad and things went downhill quick,” reads an interview that was conducted with a crew elf in Santa’s unit after the mission. “We didn’t know the [North Vietnamese Army] had anti-aircraft weapons. Colonel Claus came in fast and low for a candy cane run, and the bastards blew him out of the sky.”
While his death still weighs on their hearts, Claus’s former comrades-in-arms said they’re happy the world will finally know he died a hero. All who have served alongside Claus in combat said he was dedicated to bringing Christmas cheer to troops on the ground.
“Day or night, rain or shine, naughty or nice. He didn’t care,” said Staff Sgt. Sugarplum Snowflake, who served two tours alongside Claus in Vietnam. “If his reindeer were fed, he would fly.”
Claus’s storied military career extends back generations. In World War I he brokered the famous Christmas Truce of 1914, distributing alcohol and soccer balls to soldiers on both sides of the trenches. During the Battle of the Bulge, he helped Allied forces fend off a German onslaught by using his reindeer as runners in the dense, frozen Ardennes Forest, ferrying anti-tank weapons between fighting holes. He even considered delaying Christmas in 1950 so he could continue providing close air support during the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, but luckily the battle ended in time for the holidays.
Those who served with Col. Claus said it may have been his aggressive flying style, and his determination to spread holiday spirit no matter the cost, that proved his downfall.
“Fast and loose. That’s just how the big man operated,” Snowflake said. “Every time he’d go out on a mission his sleigh would come back peppered with sugar and spice and 14.5mm flak. He always said to live every Christmas like it’s your last Christmas, and he lived up to his words.
“He had a toy sack of steel, I’ll give him that.”
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman who spends his free time deadlifting in silkies. You can read more of his writing by subscribing to his medieval and fantasy Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.