Elves failing new Christmas Festive Test at alarming rates
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NORTH POLE — The readiness of the Total Holiday Force is in question after the surprise announcement from the Office of Santa Claus of a 40% naughty list rate on the new Advent Christmas Festive Test.
The Advent Christmas Festive Test, or ACFT, is Santa’s first holistic new holistic health and fitness test in 300 years. It provides Santa with an assessment of all Elves’ goodwill strength, caroling endurance, chimney power, gift speed, candy cane agility, gift coordination, festive flexibility, and joy stamina.
“The festive culture at the North Pole is stuck in the 1880s,” Santa Claus told Duffel Blog. “We put too much emphasis on passing out candy canes and check-the-box presents. The ACFT is exactly what we need to change the culture.”
Many across the North Pole see the new test as bad tidings.
“The overhead present throw is some very merry reindeer shit,” said Elf Sgt. Sprinkle Toes, a broken ornament disposal officer with more than 80 Christmas deployments. “Sure, we’ll do that with basketballs, but can you imagine if I did that with a PS5 on Christmas Day?”
Others have been concerned that the testing focuses too much on junior elves.
“Have you seen Santa? No way he passes tape,” said Elfman 1st Class Merry Mistletoe, currently assigned to Fort Bellringing. “But then I’m the one on the fat gingerbread boy program because I can’t do enough chimney tucks? I mean, come on, I just made 1,000 baby dolls. I call coal on this one.”
Others doubt the accuracy of the sleigh drag.
“It makes a huge difference if it’s candy ice or snow cones or glitter snow,” said Elftenant J.G. (Jolly Grade) Jingle Jangle, an elf resources specialist. “I think that’s some reindeer bullshit, and I don’t know why I’m taking time away from elfvaluations to do this.”
Many think that Santa was inspired by his recent commitment to CrossFit, a program that encourages putting Christ in Christmas by spending more time at the Stations of the Cross.
“The measure of an elf isn’t how well they rock around the Christmas tree,” added Elfsign Tinsel Tidings. “I’m a reserve Elf. I don’t even have sparkle snow back in San Diego to train on. I’m just going to wait Santa out. I bet this was all from the last Sgt. Major of the Elf Corps, and once he retires, we’ll be back to 20 minutes of ice skating once a year.”
Santa stated the ACFT Naughty list rate was concerning, but it would improve with time.
“Children worldwide depend on Elves being at their peak of festiveness on Christmas Eve. This mission is too important to fail.”
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to Ranger School when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd.