Army unit regrets combo Toys for Tots/ammunition amnesty box
By Cobra Commander
FORT RILEY, Kansas — Post leadership has issued an emergency order to recall all Toys for Tots/Amnesty Boxes after a series of high-profile mix-ups.
“Little Joey got three grenades from Santa this year,” said one concerned mother. “Don’t get me wrong, he did say it was the best Christmas ever, though I doubt our neighbor’s Welsh Corgi agrees,” she said as she crossed herself. “Rest in peace, Princess.”
Officials explained that the combination toy/ammunition receptacles were part of a post-wide initiative to save money on box materials.
“When we realized we could save over $45 every three years by combining these two efforts, we simply couldn’t say no,” said Major John Skirmerhorn. “I don’t think there’s any way we could have anticipated anything problematic about the plan.”
Besides sending dangerous munitions to underprivileged children, the ill-conceived plan has also led to soldiers showing up to ranges to qualify with children’s toys.
“I’m assigned as a Mark-19 gunner on my truck, but when I got to the range, there was only a Nerf bow and arrow,” said Specialist Timothy Schuyler. “It was the first time I ever qualified on my first try, though, so I’m not complaining. God bless us, everyone!”
Some of the mix-ups have been less pronounced than others. One child in neighboring Junction City received a bunch of loose 5.56 rounds in their stocking, but that isn’t all that different from what a child in Junction City usually will receive in their stockings.
According to Captain Mary Jo Philpins, Fort Riley JAG Officer, the entire debacle could have been avoided if post leadership had submitted their combo-box plan for a legal review.
“Would children have still received highly volatile weaponry as gifts? Probably. Would we have ensured that the Army was not legally liable for any accidents? Absolutely,” she said.
After coming up with a plan that leads to widespread injuries, universal mayhem, millions of dollars in property damage, and a very bad day for one Welsh Corgi, one would think that officer would be kicked out of the service for incompetence.
Major Skirmerhorn has instead been promoted to Lieutenant Colonel. He’s your next Battalion Commander.
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.