Space Force finally outgrows ‘terrible twos’
THE PENTAGON — After organizing the Space Force’s moon-themed 3rd birthday party, an exhausted and disheveled Air Force expressed optimism that the worst of Space Force’s behavior was now in the past.
“I’ll admit, raising a new branch has been harder than expected,” said Air Force. “He’ll never eat the budget I give him, and he is always on his screens instead of playing with the other branches.”
One of the Air Force’s more difficult moments occurred when Take Your Child to Work day coincided with a Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting. According to inside sources, Air Force refused to let Space Force wear his Star Trek costume to the meeting but relented after the toddler screamed outside the Chairman’s office. Since then, Space Force has rarely been seen in public without it, eliciting questions about Air Force’s ability to successfully control the new branch.
“After that, I finally broke down and asked Navy how he raised Marine Corps into such a respected and well-loved branch,” said Air Force. “He just replied, ‘the belt, my boy, the belt,’ then tottered off to play bingo. That honestly explained a lot.”
Further complicating Air Force’s attempts at raising Space Force has been the extended family’s unwillingness to respect the rules set forth for the young branch.
“I tried explaining fiscal responsibility when he kept begging for a new space station after seeing China with one,” complained Air Force, “but when I said no, he asked his Uncle Sam, who immediately gave him $500 million for it. He’ll never learn that way.”
The birthday party concluded prematurely after Marine Corps stole Space Force’s GPS command-and-control module while shouting, “you’re a useless dweeb.”
At press time, the Marine Corps was refusing to return the module, Space Force was in tears, Navy was removing his belt, and all party guests were reported as lost.
Jordan Hemlock is a Duffel Blog diversity hire, sharing the unsought opinions of a lieutenant.
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