Army to replace robots with cheaper, more expendable Marines
WASHINGTON — In an effort to promote innovation while also keeping within budget, the U.S. Army has announced an initiative to replace its autonomous weapons systems with cheaper, more expendable Marines.
“It’s really amazing what Marines are capable of these days,” Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. James McConville said. “They can almost think, feel, and make decisions as well as a machine.
“Not quite as well, but it’s close.”
The Marine was invented as early as 1775, and they have long been used by the Navy to guard ships and get arrested on port calls in Europe and the Pacific. The Army has always been reluctant to employ Marines in its formations, citing “liberty risks” and “lack of basic cognitive functioning.” But tightening budgets and growing computing costs for artificial intelligence systems have caused the Army to reconsider.
“It’ll be a culture change, for sure,” McConville said. “Our soldiers are used to caring for their robots as one of their own. On the other hand, Marines are heartless, soulless, expendable killing machines. We need to maintain a degree of emotional separation whenever we throw them blindly into the meat grinder.”
The Army won’t be eliminating its robot fleet completely. It will still keep some robots around to interface between Marines and humans in a concept the service has called “Human-Marine Teaming.”
“In Human-Marine Teaming, we’ll still need computers to translate Marine-speak into language that’s understandable by humans,” said Dr. Larry Olds, a researcher on the project. “That, and we need special shower robots to force them to bathe at least once a week.”
The Marines’ lower upfront and maintenance costs are expected to save the Army billions of dollars over the next decade. The savings thus far have already allowed the Army to reallocate some of its research and development dollars to other projects.
“These things run pretty much entirely on coffee and chewing tobacco,” Olds said. “We’ve reallocated most of our R&D budget to developing a high-octane dip that can keep a Marine in the fight for up to 72 hours without rest.”
Despite the program’s bright outlook, McConville admits they’re “still working out a few kinks.”
“The Marines won’t take any fuel that doesn’t have a significant amount of alcohol in it,” he said. “And they keep jacking off on post no matter how many lines of anti-jack-off code we program into them. But the robots do that, too, so I guess that one’s a wash.”
At press time, the Army revealed it would segregate its Marine and robot units into separate living quarters because too many robots had gotten pregnant.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman who spends his free time deadlifting in silkies. You can read more of his writing by subscribing to his medieval and fantasy Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.
Get Smarter in 5 Minutes
Join over 4 million people who read Morning Brew – the daily email covering the latest news across business, tech, & finance. Best part? It’s free & only takes 5 minutes to read. If you’re interested in business, technology, or just want to learn something new, there’s really no reason not to try it.