DoD says new F-35 to be made entirely of Taylor Swift tickets
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that from this point forward, all models of the F-35 Lightning II will be made entirely out of Taylor Swift concert tickets.
“We demand the highest quality building materials for our aircraft, and there’s nothing out there that’s better than front-row seats to see Tay in Vegas, Kansas City, and Seattle,” Col. Mark Steiner said. “It’ll cost us, for sure, but I think it’ll pay off if she closes at least one encore with ‘All Too Well.’”
The full “VIP Package” will include additional features and tickets right by the stage. The high-tech displays in the F-35 helmet will pump videos from Swift’s upcoming The Eras tour straight into pilots’ heads-up displays 24/7. Any pilot who successfully downs an enemy aircraft in combat will win backstage passes to next summer’s show in Minneapolis.
“It’s a little bit distracting conducting air-to-air combat missions while I’m trying to listen to Tay Tay’s Midnight album on repeat,” Capt. Jack Harlow said, “but I try to just tune out the dogfighting so I can focus on the music.”
The F-35 program has already experienced significant cost overruns in recent years. Critics have complained the exorbitant price of the concert tickets will double, or even triple, the program’s cost.
“DoD’s insistence on building the F-35 out of field-level seats and VIP packages is indicative of the fraud, waste, and abuse that has plagued the program from its start,” said Katherine Yates, a researcher and critic of the program. “Do you know how long I spent reloading Ticketmaster for the past week just to find out that the military had scooped up all the best seats?”
F-35 program managers have acknowledged the high price they’ll be paying for Swift-grade aircraft parts. But despite criticisms, F-35 program leadership has stood by its decision.
“Maybe out in the civilian sector, they let their pilots fly airplanes built out of Bruce Springsteen or Carrie Underwood tickets,” Steiner said. “But our military has learned the hard way that T-Swift is the only thing that matters in combat.”
At press time, the DoD Inspector General announced the F-35 was under investigation after discovering that all Taylor Swift tickets were manufactured in China.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman. You can read more of his work by subscribing to his medieval satire Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.
Carl contributed reporting.