Pentagon to add pronouns to dog tags
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced that troops’ identification tags will now include the wearer’s preferred pronouns, sources confirmed today. The added security measure will enhance the United States’ readiness posture and ability to colonize the Moon.
“We have over 3,000 pronouns that service members can select while receiving their ID tags,” said Pentagon spokeswoman Anita Lunger. “We want them to choose whatever will make them happy while also pissing off their uncle on Facebook.”
Adding pronouns on dog tags comes on the heels of a recent DoD study finding a positive impact from angering those most susceptible to dis- and misinformation on the internet into having massive heart attacks. It’s one small part of the Pentagon’s Office of Strategic Influence, which tries to counter propaganda by lowering the number of idiots who believe it, officials said.
“We don’t plan on doing any of this. None of this will happen, but that’s not the point,” said Lunger. “We made this announcement because many will not read into what they see but act as if they did. We hope that by mentioning the word pronoun, some of the population will induce life-threatening ailments.”
“People will believe anything,” said former President Ronald Reagan in a statement praising the Pentagon program. “All you have to do is say it.”
The Pentagon plans to release more “information” if the pronoun scheme proves ineffective. Some of the possible releases may include:
-
Navy to eliminate ranks to reduce stress
-
Military women to be treated as equals
-
Marines to be issued crotchless spandex
“I want to cry. I’ve cried two times in my life, at the beginning of Up and when I saw Lady Gaga,” said one Army sergeant major upon hearing the news.
“That those California liberals have infiltrated my Army makes me cry. Back in my day, we beat the hell out of anyone who didn’t like girls or listen to Boy George, and we never had the fairy boys or happiness like they do today.”