Uh oh, Jennifer Lopez killed again in Ukraine
By Bad Lawyer
KYIV, Ukraine — Superstar Jennifer Lopez has been killed in Ukraine, again. Lopez is best known for her prestigious music and acting career and for dying during roughly 147 military deployments since Operation Desert Storm.
News of Lopez’s demise quickly spread through the American Lance Corporal underground and was confirmed by numerous Facebook tributes and TikTok dance memorials.
“Damn, I can’t believe she’s gone,” said Staff Sgt. John Duggan, wiping tears from his eyes. “Especially because she was already killed when I was a private in Helmand in 2018. Life is so unfair.”
Historians from every branch of the U.S. military say that Lopez has died during more international conflicts than any other celebrity or service member since the advent of the internet.
“While it is common for Lopez to die during almost every deployment of U.S. personnel, usually in a fiery car crash, this is the first time we have seen her death occur during a foreign war,” said Pentagon spokesman Michael P. Brady. “I think it is a real testament to J. Lo’s international popularity and the enduring impact of the award-winning movie Selena.”
Ukrainian troops were heartbroken at the news.
“When I heard beautiful Jennifer was crushed by a Russian tractor I was devastated,” said Cpl. Andriy Melnyk. “What are we even fighting for?”
Russians quickly denied the circumstances and confirmed that while Lopez was dead, they heard she was killed in a Ukrainian air strike alongside Ben Affleck, who remains in a coma. Her eleven ex husbands are expected to serve as pallbearers.
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