Army approves OnlyFans donations for soldier emergency relief
By Off The Beaten Path
FORT STEWART, Ga. — Army Emergency Relief (AER) has announced a pilot program allowing donations through OnlyFans, with Fort Stewart selected to serve as the test site due to its high deployment tempo and famously low morale, sources confirmed today.
“I’m pretty sure we’re getting dangerously close to the definition of prostitution with this,” said Col. Andrew Maxa, Fort Stewart’s Garrison Commander, explaining that for years the AER program has received fewer donations from soldiers and forced the Army to find new ways to create revenue.
“Don’t get me wrong, I wish this site was around when I was a young company commander trying to pay off old FLIPL’s for the shit my dumbass soldiers lost and lied about” he said. “You guys thought the mold was bad before, now my entire [Directorate of Public Works] staff is responding to the AER building for simple work orders.”
The new initiative has also bolstered job security for photo lab employees who have been in extremely low demand after the Army changed requirements for official photos.
“I’m still waiting for them to tell me this is a damn joke,” said Danny Nagel, the photo lab manager. “One day the garrison commander is in here telling me to pack up all my Star Wars decorations because they’re ‘unprofessional,’ and the next day they’re redecorating the photo lab with Ikea furniture, a casting couch, and mass amounts of baby oil.”
AER has been recruiting OnlyFans models from the Savannah area but officials say they plan to eventually also allow active-duty soldiers to be featured on their page while taking a cut of the revenue.
Officials have been impressed with the surge of donation revenue that has already come in.
“Turns out, Savannah is absolutely inundated with bachelorette parties and college kids who are always willing to make some extra money,” said Sgt. Maj. Zach Comstock.
If successful, the Army plans to expand the program to Fort Campbell, Fort Bragg, and Fort Drum for additional testing with different themed photo shoots ahead of full approval across the Department of Defense.
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