DoD: Repeated password prompts solely to make you squirm
WASHINGTON — The Defense Information Systems Agency has revealed that military users don’t actually have to enter their Common Access Card PIN so many times while using their computers, but the policy is in place merely because they love to watch you squirm.
“Believe it or not, there’s actually no practical reason to enter your PIN every three minutes and every time you send an email, open a window, close a window, or think about windows,” DISA Director Gen. Robert J. Skinner said. “But, man, is it fun to watch you suffer.”
The need to constantly enter one’s PIN has plagued DoD computer users for years. But this is the first time that DISA has publicly admitted that the policy is in place solely because they hate you and want you to be hurt.
“We always wanted a solution that was simple yet ubiquitous, something that would cause your blood to simmer throughout the entirety of your career while never rising quite to the level where you’re willing to do something to change it,” said DISA Chief Frustration Engineer Dave Combs. “At first we tried 14- and 15-factor authentication. Turns out it’s way more demoralizing to just do the same factor over and over and over again.”
DISA officials say they will soon be revitalizing its help desk for CAC-related issues. The new system will never actually respond to your requests or answer your phone calls, and will instead send you through an infinite loop of support tickets and robo-callers from which you will emerge defeated and dead inside.
“If you have a problem with it, well, we don’t really give a shit,” Skinner said.
In conjunction with the announcement, the Pentagon also introduced changes to where it will issue new CACs.
“From here on out, the only functioning DEERS facility in the United States will be located in Juneau, Alaska. It is only accessible by ship or seaplane for seven months out of the year,” Skinner said. “Hope you packed your parkas, fuckers.”
At press time, DISA announced they would have released this update sooner, but their CACs inexplicably became blocked and they needed to wait six months to get an appointment to unblock them.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.
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