Kid dressed as Army recruiter misses candy goal by 20%
HADDONFIELD, Ill. — The military’s recruiting woes aren’t just impacting the active-duty services. Gary Strode, 9, decided to dress as an Army recruiter this year for Halloween and missed his candy goal by a shocking 20 percent.
“For years I was the star candy-getter,” said pretend Army Staff Sgt. Strode. “You could count on me to bring in way more Milky Ways, Reese’s Cups, and M&M’s than anyone else on the block. But this year, I barely brought in enough Skittles to meet my parents’ candy retention goals.”
“I hear even Beverley [Chase] missed her goal by 10%, and she’s dressed as an Air Force recruiter,” he added.
According to sources, while many adults in the neighborhood admired Strode’s costume, their support fell short when it came to providing quality treats. For make-believe Staff Sgt. Strode, the night was one big trick.
“Everywhere I went, it seemed like people didn’t want to give me candy,” said an exhausted Strode. “Some wouldn’t even answer the door when I rang the doorbell, but I knew they were there.”
Making matters worse, even though the candy supply was surprisingly sparse, many of the other children still fared better.
“Even Bobby [Taylor] got more candy, and he dressed as a mailman,” exclaimed the befuddled recruiter. “I tried everything. Whenever someone said they were out of candy, I’d ask if they knew anyone nearby who’d be interested in giving me some. Most of the time, they’d just shut the door in my face.”
Even to achieve the 80 percent part of his goal, Strode had to accept a lot of lower-quality candy than he wouldn’t have accepted just two years ago.
“I’m eating those little packs of raisins this year, and candy corn,” grimaced Strode. “I can’t believe I have to take those things.”
“It is a difficult time for Halloween military personnel,” said Dr. Janelle Frankenberry, a researcher with the RAND Corporation who tracks military-related candy issues. “Supply chain problems have put a lot of power into the hands of all trick-or-treaters, and there’s a massive amount of competition for candy that makes military-related costumes far less appealing than they were just a few years ago.”
Some neighbors confirmed that they were reluctant to give the young boy candy.
Leona Hedges, who lives on the same block as Strode, said there were just better costumes out there.
“Military costumes used to be so popular. But I saw lots of adorable X-Men and Avengers before little [Staff Sgt.] Gary came around. Oh! And he was here with a six-year-old Black Adam! I just had to give my last full-sized Snickers to him. That left a small box of Milk Duds and a butterscotch hard candy for Gary.”
“Frankly, I know his parents voted for Biden,” said Thomas Greene, who lives in a cul-de-sac close to the Strode home. “I normally support the kids in the neighborhood with lots of Halloween treats, but I don’t think anyone should give candy to someone with woke parents like that.”
It wasn’t just the politically conservative neighbors who made the evening’s exercise so frustrating.
“The worst was when that hippy woman looked at me like she was mad,” recounted Strode. “She threw some of those gross orange Circus Peanuts into my bag and said we should have never invaded Iraq. I just recruit the candy, lady.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, and blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Follow him on Twitter at @welinde.
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