Putin warns Russia to stop giving weapons to Ukraine
MOSCOW — Tensions continue to rise in Ukraine after Russia’s President Vladimir Putin warned Russia to stop providing weapons to the Ukrainian military.
“The Special Military Operation currently underway in Ukraine will be won decisively by Russia, that much is certain,” said Putin to a graduating class of conscripts just before they were to be crammed into a train and shipped off to the front lines with rifles from World War I.
“But any obstacles faced are there because of meddling troublemakers providing weapons to Russia’s enemies, such as the United States, NATO, and Russia.”
Putin’s anger over the issue of Russian weapons boiled over earlier this week after it was reported that over half of the Ukrainian tanks currently in action were actually Russian-made.
“We will not sit idly by as Russia provides some of the most advanced armored tanks to Ukraine,” read a clearly confused Vasily Nebenzya, Russia’s representative to the United Nations, from a statement authored by Putin. “If such interference continues, this war may widen further, and no weapons are off the table. To protect Russia, we may be forced to bring the war to Moscow.”
U.S. intelligence agencies say Putin has appointed a commission to investigate how best to disrupt the constant flow of Russian weapons to Ukraine.
“The Commission proposed some radical measures,” said CIA Special Agent Donald Knotts, “such as properly training the Russian army on how to use their weapons and how to fight on a battlefield. But Putin prefers a more ‘kinetic’ option.”
Putin appears to have settled on a two-pronged approach to staunch the flow of weapons into the theater. On the military front, Russian troops will be sent to Ukraine armed only with weapons that “Comrade Stalin would recognize,” sources said, which would reduce the quality of material support Ukraine receives.
Politically, Putin demanded his few remaining international allies affirm their willingness to support him if he chose to respond militarily to Russia. He was surprised by how quickly most of them replied they were “more than ready.”
“We of course want peace with everyone,” said Putin. “But if Russia doesn’t stop this reckless madness, I’ll make sure she pays the heaviest of prices.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, and blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Follow him on Twitter at @welinde.
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