Actual douche promoted to major
FORT HOOD, Texas — The Army confirmed today that Capt. Court Massengill has become the first actual douchebag to be promoted to major.
“Major Massengill has been a refreshing addition to our battalion staff,” Lt. Col. Eve Summers told the Duffel Blog before pinning gold oak leaves on the young field grade. “And as our new battalion executive officer, I expect him to help me clean up this drab old unit.”
Summers noted that before his selection to major, Massengill earned a reputation as the driving force that reversed the toxic culture in what many considered the battalion’s worst company.
“Once Massengill took command he injected himself in all the problem areas,” Summers told the Duffel Blog. “In doing so, he flushed out all the ne’er do wells. But don’t let his rigid appearance fool you. Massengill is really warm and gentle on the inside.”
Lt. Col. Summers was not the only person to speak favorably of the young officer. According to some, Massengill is popular among the NCOs and junior soldiers, often showering them with praise.
“Maj. Massengill is the first aviation officer I’ve met who’s not a complete douchebag,” one soldier told Duffel Blog. “I mean, he’s a douchebag, but he’s not a douchebag. Shit, you know what I mean.”
Sources say Massengill is no stranger to ‘firsts.’ While he was certainly not the first douchebag to be admitted to West Point, he was the first to become First Captain, the academy’s highest leadership position in the cadet chain of command. Upon graduation, Massengill became the first actual douchebag to pilot the AH-64 Apache helicopter and by default, the first true douchebag aviator. Still, despite his clean image, not everyone is a fan of the newly minted field grade officer.
“Massengill is hard to take, even in small amounts,” said Capt. Sandy Coutre, the battalion physician’s assistant. “While it may appear that he is a force for good, his acidic personality can throw off the unit’s balance.”
“And personally, no amount of Massengill is good for this old Coutre.”
Cpt. Coutre aside, other officers in the battalion believe Massengill will flourish in any position in which he is inserted.
“The stale culture in this unit really stinks sometimes,” said Capt. Richard Cabesa, the battalion intelligence officer. “Massengill is a breath of fresh air as an outside-of-the-box thinker.”
At the end of the promotion ceremony, Major Massengill—a man of few words—faced the assembled group and sprayed a large volume of floral-scented liquid in multiple directions.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. He identifies more as Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, but sometimes we’re stuck with the name our parents gave us. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on Twitter @FueledTirade
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