Specialist admits secret to fitness is meth
By As For Class
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Army Spc. Jessy Jessup III revealed to his squad today that the secret to crushing the new Army Combat Fitness Test (ACFT) is, in fact, methamphetamines.
“We sort of always knew something was going on with Jessup. We called him ‘The Twitch,’” said Sgt. Sputters, Jessup’s squad leader. “We just assumed he really liked Monsters, though.”
Sputters noted that Jessup was the only junior soldier in his squad with a near-perfect ACFT score. The achievement came roughly a month after allegations of drug use rocked the Navy SEAL community.
Most Army Rangers and Green Berets were not surprised by news of Navy SEAL drug use, but Army officials say there is more alarm over soldiers using performance-enhancing drugs and getting away with it.
“That’s when I realized,” Pvt. Jessup told a Duffel Blog correspondent. “If the SEAL people, Special Forces folks, and failed military Instagram influencers can all do it, dadgummit, why not me?”
The results were staggering. Pvt Jessup’s run time went from a 9-minute mile to 8:49. “Gonna be honest, the meth did not help with my cardio,” Jessup said.
But his raw strength went through the roof. Weighing in at a lowly 136 pounds — also because of meth — Jessup was able to deadlift twice his body weight. He even ran the shuttle twice.
“Because I just had so much energy I needed to get out, ya know?” Jessup said.
The only ramifications Jessup can honestly say he’s experiencing are heart disease, minor liver damage, immune response issues, and an apparent stroke during his last ACFT.
He’s also being chaptered out of the Army.
“Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have told us about the meth,” Sgt. Sputters concluded. “But, when you see something, you have to say something. Now he gets to do all the meth he can handle on the outside. The squad and I are a little jealous, truth be told. I bet that liver disease will score him tons of points with the VA.”
As For Class is a boy named Sue named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
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