Hound Dog Blog UNSATegorized I conscientiously object to learning Microsoft Teams

I conscientiously object to learning Microsoft Teams

October 12, 2022 hdb_ylcht3 0 Comments

The following Op-Ed is by a GS-15.

After 20+ years of working for the federal government, I’ve been to a few places and seen a few things. But sometimes you need to know where to draw the line and say “enough is enough.”

For me, that line is the Microsoft Office 365 suite of tools.

I hoped it would never come to this, but the widespread adoption of this most profane of all applications has forced my hand: I conscientiously object to learning how to use Microsoft Teams.

Modern collaboration tools are morally at odds with the erratic, unreliable forms of communication I believe in. And I’m a leader who sticks to his beliefs.

It’s not that I have anything against the Microsoft corporation, per se. I’ve been using Outlook to not respond to emails for decades. It has made me the leader I am today.

It’s just that allowing my subordinates and myself to have the information we need in a convenient and easily accessible location contradicts everything I stand for as a senior government civilian. How am I supposed to lose important documents in an endless morass of network-attached storage drives? How am I supposed to purposely not copy you on an urgent correspondence and then berate you hours later for being unaware of it? How am I supposed to “reply all” with a nonsensical four-word response that only confuses the matter further, then totally ignore it when asked for clarification?

Forgoing such ethical responsibilities is just not who I am.

Sure, there may be occasions when I’ll dial into a Teams meeting. But know now that I am doing so purely out of spite, and wherever practicable I will make you drive two hours in D.C. traffic to attend in person a 15-minute meeting which I will cancel last minute without notifying you.

Such is my religion.

When it comes to Microsoft Teams and its ilk, these are the commandments I shall live by:

I shall continue to leave my microphone on mute every time I intend to speak.
I shall continue to leave my microphone unmuted every time I eat chips.
I shall require you to email me the link to that folder even though it would be instantly accessible were I to simply open the Teams app.
And no, I most definitely will not accept your calendar invite.

I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I will not let the vile act of learning how to use Microsoft Teams weigh on my conscience.

Now send me the link to our SharePoint and get back to work.

Leave a comment

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.

Word-of-mouth is the best way to reach new readers. Use THIS LINK to fire off an easy pre-written email to a friend.

Duffel Blog has a store with shirts, mugs, stickers, etc—new designs are added often. Shoot us links and funny memes on Twitter at @DuffelBlog or send stories & hate/fan mail to mailbag@duffelblog.com. We’re also on Instagram and hanging with ~13,000 fans in our official Facebook group.

Subscriber Archive: 2021 · ’20 · ’19 · ’18 · ’17 · ’16 · ’15 · ’14 · ’13 · ’12 ·

Telework Better(ish) with Duffel Blog

Make a statement on your next Zoom or Microsoft Team meeting with Duffel Blog’s Joint Telework Center of Excellence Mug. The caffeine it holds could be your only respite from error messages, unnecessary restarts, and a neverending urge to scream, “FIX OUR COMPUTERS!”