Local family tired of dad’s daily Ukraine war briefings
REDMOND, Okla. — Each day at 5 p.m., retired drywaller Gerald Wayne Spavinaw conducts a daily briefing on the Russo-Ukrainian War for his family. Attendance is mandatory, even for Scooter, his tick hound. His wife Ruby Ann is bewildered by the sudden change in her husband, and his two grandsons, Gerald III and Bobby Lee, are just pissed.
“I mean every fucking day, 30 minutes before supper he pulls out this laminated map, a box of grease pencils, and starts yammering about goddamn Ukraine. I don’t even know what fucking state it’s in,” said Gerald III.
Spavinaw briefs his family over advances the Ukrainian Army has made that day, breaks down the reported losses of personnel and equipment by the Russians, and after his forecast for the outcome of the next day’s battles, opens the floor for questions.
Neighbor Earl Morton is just as confused as the rest of the Spavinaw clan.
“Used to be all the guys would meet up over at Gerald’s garage every evening with a couple of 12-packs of Natty Light and moan about Biden and Covid shit and how President Trump got robbed and fucking socialism and now it’s all 17th Guard Tank Brigade and HIMARS and 95th Infantry and some fucking place I can’t even pronounce,” Morton said.
“I mean, goddamn, it’s like he’s become some kinda conspiracy nut or something.”
Morton admitted that he still spends time with Spavinaw but only because he owes him money. Both had served 6 years together as truck drivers in the Oklahoma Army National Guard during the 1960s. They enlisted to avoid Vietnam but after fulfilling their obligation neither one ever discussed any military subjects again. He wasn’t sure if Spavinaw even remembered the first Gulf War.
According to sources, Mrs. Spavinaw conceded that Gerald needed help she and the children couldn’t provide, so she called in The DeBriefers, a non-profit of recovering PowerPoint addicts dedicated to helping others who use the phrase multi-mode operations when making vacation plans. The final straw was when she caught her husband buying an overhead projector and the book All-Domain/Joint All-Domain Operations (JADO)/Combined Joint All-Domain Command and Control (CJADC2) For Dummies.
Gerald admits he’s happier now. His alcohol intake has almost returned to normal, most of his friends are returning to the garage, and even Fox News and Tucker Carlson make some sense again. The spot where his map once hung has been replaced by a Let’s Go Brandon flag and tranquility has been restored to the Spavinaw house.