Russia grants Snowden citizenship, sends him to Ukraine

MOSCOW — Just days after awarding former NSA contractor Edward Snowden honorary Russian citizenship, the Russian government confirmed that Snowden has been drafted into the Russian army to fight in Ukraine.

The 39-year-old NSA leaker had just finished accepting his citizenship and talking about the importance of oversight in government intelligence operations when Russian President Vladimir Putin suddenly walked into the room.

“You’re absolutely right, Comrade,” Putin said, putting his arm around the surprised Snowden. “Say… you know where we could really use some oversight? In Ukraine!” Witnesses said Snowden then noticed the draft notice stapled to the bottom of his citizenship papers.

Following the press conference, Snowden was immediately hustled into a van for transportation to the nearest Russian Army training facility, where he was given a uniform and told to find his own sleeping bag and advanced electronic warfare equipment.

Although Snowden’s lawyer had initially said that Snowden was ineligible for the Russian draft due to his lack of prior military service, Russian military officials have noted Snowden’s five months as a Special Forces dropout actually puts him in the same category as Russia’s elite VDV Airborne Forces.

“Mr. Snowden has many exemplary traits that we need in our army,” said Ministry of Defense spokesman Igor Konashenkov. “He has all his teeth and fingers. We are unaware of any debilitating alcoholism. I mean, we kinda have to take him.”

Konashenkov assured reporters that Snowden would feel right at home on the Ukrainian battlefield, where he will be repeatedly shot at by U.S.-made rifles, mortars, tanks, artillery, and HIMARs.

At press time, Snowden had confided to reporters that he was considering turning himself into the U.S. Embassy as a conscientious objector.

G-Had hates your freedom.