Supreme Court strikes down 2nd Amendment, citing National Guard marksmanship
WASHINGTON — In a stunning precedent-breaking case, the Supreme Court has overturned the militia clause of the 2nd Amendment, citing poor National Guard weapons skills.
“For over 200 years, the right to ‘keep and bear arms as part of a well-ordered militia’ has stood in the 2nd amendment,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts in a rare 9-0 opinion.
“This court debated if that clause limits gun ownership to just members of the militia, or the National Guard as it’s now called, or if all Americans have the right to keep and bear arms. Given recent information, this court sees that the framers were exactly wrong. This court ruled that literally, anyone but the militia should have the right to firearms because seriously, have you seen them shoot?”
Roberts added that if he wanted to see a shot group like that, he’d throw rice at a sticky rat trap.
The recent information that Roberts alluded to was a training after-action report he noticed on the computer of 1st Lt. Anthony Chin, an executive officer in the Maryland National Guard’s 220th Military Police Company and clerk to Justice Roberts after a recent drill weekend.
“This was a huge misstep,” said Gen. Daniel Hokanson, chief of the National Guard Bureau. “Chin hadn’t changed the report to list everyone who didn’t qualify at the range as being at dental yet. On the bright side, that’s one less metric we’re red on.”
The decision, which urged amending the Constitution to say “the right to keep and bear arms as part of anyone but a well-ordered militia, Jesus fuck, learn to shoot boys,” may not be constitutional or grammatically correct according to legal experts. When questioned at a recent press conference, Justice Roberts stated that Congress would have to pass a law to change if they had a problem with it.