Russia taps Strategic Has-Been Reserve for war in Ukraine

UKRAINE—In another telling development that its invasion of Ukraine is not going well, Russia has recently started calling up forces from the Strategic Has-Been Reserve. Most notably, famous has-been Steven Seagal was deployed to occupied territory in an attempt to shore up the tenuous situation there.

“It wasn’t a complete surprise,” said Lt. Gen Blake O’Conner, military liaison to the Central Intelligence Agency. “Russia has been burning through all their men, material, and, well, everything at an astonishing pace. But still, this is almost the bottom of the barrel.”

The first indication that Putin intended to authorize use of the Has-Been Reserve came when archaic weapons started appearing in Russian forces’ hands only a couple months into the conflict.

“You know their Guard guys got that crap,” said O’Conner.

“Then in June, the Army rolled out retired Gen. Pavel,” said Pentagon Press Secretary Patrick S. Ryder. “That was like the sound of the Has-Been bottle being uncorked. Pavel is well past his shelf life.”

Still, intelligence analysts were surprised by how quickly and deeply Putin has had to draw on Has-Been stockpiles.

“The emergence of Steven Seagal in a hot war zone is pretty significant,” said Lydia Smith, a CIA spokeswoman. “That shows Putin is reaching a level of desperation to seem credible not seen since Kim Jong Un met with the former host of The Apprentice.”

It’s unclear whether the deployment of Seagal to Ukraine will achieve any meaningful results for the Russian Army. Segal promised to help find the real heroes of Ukraine and then led a few nearly decimated platoons in a round of meditation.

“It’s really kind of sad,” said Ryder. “Who’s next? Mickey Rourke? Oliver Stone? Makes you almost feel sorry for Putin.”