Top Navy dolphin implicated in ‘favors-for-fish’ scandal
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Navy’s senior-ranking bottlenose dolphin has been implicated in a bribery scandal authorities are calling a classic “favors-for-fish” scheme, sources say.
“We have evidence that in exchange for facilitating certain government acquisitions, he has been getting kickbacks from contractors in the form of large buckets of mackerel, herring, and even squid,” said Navy judge advocate Cmdr. Chris Swarmsworth. “Unfortunately, this kind of thing is all-too-common among high ranking cetaceans.”
Capt. Kyle Eeeeeeeeeka’ka’ka’ka’eeeeeeeeeeeeeee has served nearly 13 years in uniform, which amounts to well over 30 dolphin years. As commander of all porpoises in the Navy’s Pacific Fleet, he had high level access to contracting information, which he exploited to line all three chambers of his stomach with cold, hard fish.
“On a trip to Thailand in 2014, he performed front flips and tail-walking tricks for representatives from Lockheed Martin, who shamelessly tossed him pails of sardines and cocktail shrimp,” said Swarmsworth. “We’re not really sure if that’s illegal, because there’s not much precedent in military court, but it certainly seems like an ethical gray area.”
Eeeeeeeeeka’ka’ka’ka’eeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s wrongdoings don’t stop there, Swarmsworth says. During a 2012 deployment to Afghanistan, he allegedly misappropriated over $70 million in government funds to build a 20 million gallon luxury fish tank to house his command center, complete with bouncy balls, hoops to jump through, and daily lobster dinners.
“It was like we were dining in the halls of Poseidon himself,” said one Navy fur seal who served under Eeeeeeeeeka’ka’ka’ka’eeeeeeeeeeeeeee in Afghanistan. “Sure, it was nice to come back to the FOB and get a full body blubber massage after every patrol, but something about that whole deployment smelled fishy.”
In the wake of the scandal, Navy leadership has been quick to stress that the vast majority of marine mammalian officers carry out their duty with honor and integrity.
“Do we have the occasional sea lion charge $100,000 worth of clams to his government charge card in a single night? Sure,” said Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Michael Gilday. “But who hasn’t splurged a little on clams during a long-awaited port call?”
Duffel Blog reached out to Eeeeeeeeeka’ka’ka’ka’eeeeeeeeeeeeeee for comment, and he responded by spitting a stream of water out of his snout and clicking incessantly.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.