Lockheed, Raytheon to develop fetal body armor

WASHINGTON — In light of the recent Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, Lockheed Martin and Raytheon have announced immediate plans to develop fetal body armor.

“We proudly support a female service member’s right to protect their unwanted fetuses from enemies foreign and domestic,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Jim Taiclet. “Plus, with the expected increase in pregnant troops, this could be a tremendous boon to our third-quarter earnings.”

The Supreme Court decision comes at an opportune time for defense contractors that have seen profits fall since the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan. With abortion expected to be banned or severely restricted in most states, the Department of Defense immediately requested a significant budget increase to protect what officials are referring to as female service members’ newest “battle buddies.”’

Raytheon CEO Gregory J. Hayes privately admitted there would be challenges to a project of this magnitude.

“Do you know how hard it is to get the DoD to pay for body armor for fully grown men and women? I mean sure, we will get plenty of orders from the Texas and Oklahoma National Guard, but we still have to design incredibly tiny chest plates,” said Hayes.

“And frankly, I am not sure how we plan to get the armor onto a fetus,” Hayes added, looking out on a team of engineers sketching pint-sized tactical vests. “I struggle to get my Beagle in a sweater.”

Raytheon engineers confirmed fetal body armor installation would likely come at great risk to the health of the female service member, but felt the potential loss was acceptable to ensure the safety of America’s smallest fighting force.

Meanwhile, Lockheed confirmed the company was considering developing fetal weapons in light of a separate Supreme Court ruling expanding concealed carry laws.

“Concealed carry is about to expand everywhere,” said Taiclet. “We can safely assume the ability to concealed carry extends to the inside of soldiers’ uteruses.”