This soldier ACTUALLY knows your cousin/friend/old dry-cleaner

By Bad Lawyer

If you served in any branch of the United States military, you know Staff Sgt. John Higgins. And chances are, Higgins knows you, too.

Like most military service members, Higgins knows everyone that serves in every branch, so when civilians ask if he knows their cousin’s friend in the Air Force, a buddy from high school stationed at Pendleton, or that guy that went missing at Fort Hood, he does.

“Whenever I see a guy in camouflage, I ask if they know my buddy Barry,” said Justin Pool, a local man who spotted Higgins at the mall food court. “He is a Marine, but I figured you guys all know each other.”

“It’s true,” said Higgins, pulling out his phone to show a photo of him and the man’s friend. “We do all know each other and Barry is doing well.”

Rebecca Dodson, whose brother served in the Minnesota National Guard from 2014 to 2018, was also relieved to hear Higgins not only recalled her brother but had hilarious stories to share from their brief time together at a 2016 National Guard conference.

“Sure, Jeff is from Minnesota and I am in the Nevada National Guard, but why wouldn’t I know him?” asked Higgins.

“It is nice to finally meet someone that knows Jeff,” said Dodson. “You do not know how many times I have said to someone in the Air or Army National Guard they must know my brother, and all I get is a blank stare.”

Sadly Higgins’ perfect record was broken when someone asked if he knew their son Kevin, who is serving in the Space Force.

“I know everyone,” muttered Higgins. “But don’t ask me about imaginary shit.”