Pentagon drops yards, adopts NATO standard 1000-meter stare
By W.E. Linde
PENTAGON — As part of an overall effort to better align military capabilities with European allies, the United States today announced that the Pentagon will direct PTSD-affected military personnel, both current and future, to move away from the current U.S.-standard 1000-yard stare and instead adopt the NATO 1000-meter stare for troops that have seen a lot of shit.
“Our nation has always taken the physical and psychological trauma experienced by our troops very seriously,” said Pentagon spokesperson John Kirby. “That’s evidenced in the way Congress has worked speedily over the past 10 years to pass legislation to care for troops exposed to burn pits and toxic environments. Similarly, this action shows just how seriously we want to care for troops with PTSD.”
The current 1000-yard stare has been in use for as long as there’s been an American military, and traditionalists have voiced skepticism that American mental trauma can’t be shoehorned into a European model. However, Secretary of the Army Christine Wormuth disagrees.
“By standardizing the vacant, unfocused distance that troops scarred by the horrors of war peer into with that of our NATO allies, we can better treat the afflicted with more efficient economies of scale,” said Wormuth. “Plus, the 1000-meters gives the tormented soul an additional 280 feet with which to relive the soul-crushing sights that torture them nonstop.”
Officials and medical staff with the Veterans Affairs Department, while largely supportive of the change, worried that the technical aspects of changing the diagnosis from “yards” to “meters” may crash the computers used to run VA hospitals.
“I simply mentioned this in a VA e-mail, and the system somehow lost the medical claims appeals of a couple dozen folks,” said one VA hospital administrator. “I hope they weren’t for anything important.”
Those currently using the 1000-yard stare will have a 12-month period to transition to the new standard. Those unable to adjust to the longer distance will be considered “recovered” and discharged from treatment.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde