Inside the push to create SEALs for the Space Force
By Task Force Football Bat
THE PENTAGON — Duffel Blog has learned from several sources of a secretive effort to stand up an elite unit of prima donnas with the fitness, tattoos, and writing skills necessary to undertake the country’s most dangerous missions in space.
“The Space Force SEALs [Space, Extra-planetary, Astral, Lunar] will stand ready to infiltrate across the space-time continuum in pursuit of critical national security objectives,” said a senior defense official.
“Damn few,” the source added.
Another source confirmed that in-depth planning is underway to ensure the elite unit of not-so-quiet professionals gets a strong start.
“We will equip them with the best gear available to ensure their combat effectiveness in the austere environment of space, and more importantly, to guarantee they look cool as fuck,” a second senior defense official said, who like other sources, spoke on condition of anonymity in order to discuss sensitive plans for what is internally being referred to as an elite counter-xenomorph unit.
The official added that plans are already underway to create a challenging selection and training pipeline for the unit of burly galactic spartans — one that emulates the Navy’s Basic Underwater Demolition School, or “BUDS.”
“Instead of ‘wet and sandy,’ we’ll have ‘de-oxygenated and covered in moondust’ and instead of carrying boats and logs, it’ll be simply trying to move under varied gravitational conditions,” the official said, adding that for Hell Week, “I’m thinking we’ll immerse them in pools of antimatter and use the theory of relativity to age them decades in mere minutes — figuratively hosing them with time.”
While key leaders are enthusiastic about standing up a new unit of egomaniacal but very impressive specimens, reports indicate that some early hurdles have emerged.
“We’re having difficulty attracting Navy SEALs to cross-branch into the Space Force. They’re all vehemently opposed to wearing oxygen-supplying masks, even though they’ll die without them in space,” one official lamented. He added that there is some “pushback” against the idea that there is “not a spacesuit version of short shorts.”
“We also discovered that writing books or films about space is difficult — it requires understanding and breaking down extremely complex scientific phenomena, or ‘nerd shit,’ as our target population refers to it,” another source said.
Officials said they plan to attract more of the “right people” by advertising that the law of armed conflict does not exist in space.
Task Force Football Bat is aware that he would wash out on the first day of BUDS.