Finland begs Sweden to join NATO for refer-a-friend discount
By Zoltar the Malignant
BRUSSELS — Finland is looking to join NATO for no money down, and its first month free, by referring Sweden through the alliance’s refer-a-friend program.
Speaking at a joint news conference at NATO Headquarters, Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin begged Swedish counterpart Magdalena Andersson to sign up so Finland could get a free month of membership.
“Hey, Maggie — this is a great deal. One month free and they waive the membership fee. That’s a lot of money,” Marin said. “Please. Just join for a month and then quit. You don’t even have to do one training exercise or any Article 5 stuff. C’mon.”
Marin told Andersson she had asked Serbia first, but the Balkan nation told her to “go eat a great big bag of dicks.”
The alliance introduced its popular “NATO Rewards Program” with the fall of the Iron Curtain in the early 1990s, which saw membership double from 16 to 30. Poland’s referral of the Czech Republic, Hungary and Bulgaria won it six months free, a complimentary body mass analysis, a $50 gift card to GNC, and a one-on-one personal training session with the United States.
Not to be outdone, the Russian Federation created its short-lived Comrades Club program to woo former Soviet republics and Warsaw Pact members, but its offer of a T-54 tank and a dead horse for joining failed to get any takers.
NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg was unfazed by Finland’s blatant public effort to take advantage of the refer-a-friend program under dubious pretenses. He interrupted the conference to remind Marin to enter the promo code “JENS SENT ME” to qualify for a free F-35 fighter.
“If we get Sweden to join for 30 days, that’s fine — never trust a nation where the men have ponytails and the women don’t,” Stoltenberg said. “Besides, seriously, if Sanna Marin asked if would be OK for her to shoot me in the nuts with a Javelin, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
The news conference ended when Andersson suddenly yelled, “Bork bork bork!” and tossed a ladle and spatula over her shoulders.
Duffel Blog correspondent Zoltar the Malignant covers … aw, screw it. See the hill, take the hill. Sanna, if you’re reading this, message me. I’m a Pisces, I love Hallmark movies and I like long walks on the beach. Besides, Jacinda Arden stopped taking my calls.