Army to amputate soldiers’ hands to prevent use of pockets
By As for Class
THE PENTAGON — The Army is going to prevent hands from entering pockets through the miracle of modern amputation, officials announced today.
“It has taken us 80 years to reach this point, but our lab of sergeant majors — or is it sergeants major? Man, that just sounds weird,” said Army spokesman Lt. Col. Ronald Maroon.
“Anyways, our lab of senior NCO experts has concluded our only option is to chop these damn hands off. That’ll stop these generation ‘Z’ nerds from putting their hands in their pockets.”
When questioned by the press, Maroon admitted that the Army has unsuccessfully tried several other options.
“You think we haven’t thought of every other possible option? We brought in DARPA and RAND. Both concluded that gloves were a suitable option,” said Maroon with a visible look of disgust.
Instead, the Army plans to issue replacement hooks that may be more effective in hand-to-hook combat. “Plus, who is gonna put a hook in their pocket?” asked Maroon. “All your change would fall right out.”
A Duffel Blog correspondent asked if the Army had considered not sewing pockets in the uniforms if pockets weren’t allowed to be used.
“Damn…” said Maroon. “That’s actually… I mean. Of course, we’ve tried that! It just won’t work.”
Maroon concluded the press conference swiftly after being asked why troops were prohibited from using pockets at all.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.
