Army physical therapist prescribes simple 6-hour stretching regimen, four times a day
BETHESDA, Maryland — Capt. Kacey Anderson, a physical therapist at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, says the key to making a full recovery is a simple six-hour stretching regimen repeated at least four times a day.
“A recent study found that patients who stretch at least 24 hours a day have the shortest recovery times,” Anderson told reporters while contorting a young airman into a figure four. “It also showed a correlation between stretching and egg-laying capacity. To be sure, the study was conducted on crickets and harpy eagles, but we’re pretty sure the findings apply to humans as well.”
Anderson, who has recently dedicated her life to the merits of physical therapy, acknowledges stretching is not a panacea.
“I’m not saying physical therapy is some sort of medical cure-all,” Anderson said as she forced the airman’s legs behind his head, causing an audible pop. “But if you really want to recover from an injury, you’re going to need to put the time in foam rolling your quads, building up that core strength, and training your body to continue stretching even in your sleep.”
Her “cure-all” disclaimer notwithstanding, Anderson believes the applications for physical therapy extend beyond injury and surgical recovery.
“Physical therapy isn’t just for injuries, you know,” Anderson said as she turned the electricity up on a muscle TENS unit attached to the airman’s testicles. “Had a heart attack? You’re probably not stretching your glutes enough. Cancer? Not if your rhomboids and erector spinal muscles are good and loose.”
Anderson says she is not quite sure why she wanted to become a physical therapist, but after leaving her job as a CrossFit instructor at a Church of Scientology commune, it seemed like the next logical step.
“I’m not crazy or obsessive or anything,” Anderson laughed wildly as she twisted the airman’s torso around several times. “I’m just super passionate about what I believe in. And aside from keto, intermittent fasting, and perineal bloodletting, physical therapy is the single best thing you can do to improve overall health.”
Still, some say physical therapy, which started off as a legitimate ancillary medical practice, has become cult-like such as Roganism or Hello Fresh.
“Look, physical therapists are trying to carve out some weird niche, like no-cut surgeons, herbal medicine optometrists, and pediatricians,” Dr. Frank Burns told the Duffel Blog. “But time and again we’ve shown that drinking water and Motrin are all it takes to get a soldier back into tip-top shape.”
Nevertheless, Anderson sticks to her guns when it comes to prescribing a strict stretching regimen.
“If you don’t do these stretches every day all day for the next six months I’ll kill myself,” Anderson told her patient. “This is all I have.”
Her young patient had almost dragged himself to safety when Anderson loaded him down with a pile of resistance bands and a few hundred double-sided pages of stretches.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. He identifies more as Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, but well, sometimes we’re stuck with the names our parents gave us. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on Twitter @FueledTirade