Putin says Russia has ‘turned a corner’ in Ukraine
By Bull Winkle
MOSCOW – Addressing a rally supporting the war in Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin considered the recent escalation in combat intensity and announced it “smells like victory.”
“We have turned a corner towards final triumph,” said Putin. He called the “unfortunate” destruction of Ukrainian cities, nuclear sites, hospitals, theaters, and use of hypersonic weapons all signs of Russian success. “Military violence means political victory, all my closest advisors tell me this every day.”
Putin claimed Russian forces have achieved “all the objectives that I feel like naming” for control of approximately 10% of Ukraine territory. “And that only required 75% of our total armed forces,” said Putin. “It took years for similar success in Afghanistan. When our soldiers surrender, Ukrainians offer them food and tea. This proves their gratitude for Russian security.”
Teresa Norris, the Senior Analyst for Unjustified Invasions at the Center for Strategic Studies, questioned Putin’s claims. She said that opposing Russia’s approximately 190,000 soldiers are over 40 million Ukrainian citizens, “who all seem pretty handy with Javelin missiles. I don’t see anybody calling him ‘Vlad the Victorious’ anytime in the future.”
Norris believes Putin’s optimistic outlook is based solely on slide briefings from Russian Minister of Defense Sergei Shoigu. According to sources, the slides show metrics on success indicators like local economies and political opinions. “The same kind of information that worked so well for Americans in Afghanistan,” Norris said.
Putin was shown results of a poll of occupied areas which revealed only a small number of Ukrainian citizens opposed the Russian invasion. When someone pointed out that most citizens were dead or had fled the area, Shoigu reportedly responded, “So what? We knew their answers before they did anyhow.”
Putin said that Russia will shift to a new strategy of making Ukrainians “partners in peace” by building security capacity to continue the hunt for Nazis, “scum and traitors,” and anyone who says “NATO” out loud.
“We consider every Ukrainian soldier to be an ally since they’re actually Russian, even if they do not know that yet,” Putin said.