Biden asks grandkids what cyber-measures would work best against Russia
By Cobra Commander
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Joe Biden abruptly excused himself from a Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) decision brief on Monday morning to call his grandkids from the hallway to ask what cyber-measures should be employed against Russia, sources confirmed today.
“Hey, Natalie, how’s it going? How’s soccer going? Yeah, that’s really swell, listen, do you know what a JPEG is?” Biden asked in a whisper.
Director Jen Easterly, the head of CISA, said she was sympathetic to the President’s current situation.
“Look, cyber is esoteric and hard. The majority of the leadership in this country doesn’t know how to set up two-factor authentication, let alone direct the offensive cyber-units,” Easterly said.
Biden could be heard phoning grandchild after grandchild, while briefers awkwardly pretended not to notice.
“They’re talking about the historical implications of WannaCry in here, Finnegan. The only WannaCry I know is wanting to cry when they try to explain this shit,” Biden said. “By the way, how’s soccer going?”
The average age of the Senate is 63 years old, which means that the key legislature in the United States is likely to be incapable of not clicking a phishing email from R28gam9pbiBN5YmVyLCB5b3Ugc3R1ZAo=@gmail.com that purports to be from Netflix, let alone orchestrating non-attributable cyber-attacks against Russian infrastructure.
“They tried to explain log4j to me the other day. What’s next, log5j? It never ends, I tell ya,” muttered the in-over-his-head leader of the free world as he adjusted his tie.
CISA officials are frequently called upon to explain how cybersecurity’s effects are far-reaching, but they claim there are some insurmountable generational differences.
“It’s my job to try to bridge the gap between people who grew up with rotary phones and people who watch other people play League of Legends. Is it stressful trying to explain a supply-chain vulnerability like Solarwinds to a septuagenarian? Yeah, you might say that,” Easterly said as she took a big gulp from a water bottle that was filled with clear alcohol.
“Hey, Maisy, listen, they’re saying we should use zero-day exploits to cripple their critical logistic infrastructure, which will affect military sustainment. I mean, zero-day? Does that mean, like, yesterday? Are we talking time-travel here?” asked an almost inaudible Biden from the hallway. “Hey, by the way, how’s the soccer?”
After 20 minutes of calls, Biden re-entered the meeting with very specific policy directives to combat the freemium content business model in video games.
“It’s ruining the industry, according to, uh, the experts I’m in contact with,” Biden said. “Also, can’t something be done with the electronic internet to make my poll numbers go up?”
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.