Elon Musk, DARPA design military-grade jockstrap for Ukrainian president’s balls

By Zoltar the Malignant

AUSTIN, Texas — SpaceX CEO Elon Musk has answered a plea from Ukraine’s embattled government for a revolutionary athletic supporter sturdy enough to hold President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s gigantic pair of balls.

Within hours of receiving the request via Twitter from Ukrainian Vice Prime Minister Mykhailo Fedorov for a jockstrap capable of holding Zelenskyy’s metric-ton cojónes, Musk ordered his never-deployed New Undergarment Tactical Strategic Athletic Cup system to be flown to Kyiv.

Musk smiled as he watched airmen just barely fit the crate containing the untested NUTSAC system into the cavernous nose cargo hatch of a C-5A Galaxy at Dyess Air Force Base, in nearby Abilene.

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