Russian country star Toby Keithovitch releases single “Courtesy of the White, Blue, and Red”
By Cobra Commander
MOSCOW — Russian country super-star Toby Keithovitch has a smash hit on his hands, riding a wave of patriotism following the Russian full-scale invasion of Ukraine.
“This is an important song to me, and when President Vladmir Putin’s Public Affairs Office called me and told me to write it or they’d poison my family, I knew I had to do it,” Keithovitch said.
Country music fans from the eastern border in Siberia to the western border in (unclear at time of publication) have been raving about the new power ballad from Keithovitch called “Courtesy of the White, Blue, and Red”.
“I love the song. It is the favorite of my songs. Please may I see my children? Even just talk to them on the phone to confirm they are alive?” said Moscow resident Natalya Rostov before the microphone was unceremoniously jerked away from her.
Keithovitch’s song has been getting a high volume of airplay on both Russian radio and also loudspeakers 24/7 outside of Odessa.
“It was important for me to do my part to support the troops, short of doing something that actually helps them in a tangible way that doesn’t fill my bank account,” Keithovitch said during a press junket.
Not even President Putin has been immune to the earworm from Keithovitch. “If music were something that I was capable of enjoying, I assure you I would say this is a terrific song,” he said as he directed troops to invade an ostensibly sovereign country. High praise indeed!
The song has already been streamed fourteen billion times on the Spotifyski, the Russian music streaming service. Some of the downloads are actually from citizens of Russia, as compared to various botnets run by Russia’s robust network of state-sanctioned cybercriminals.
“Look, Jack, I’m pretty pissed about the invasion, but, hell, it’s a catchy song,” said U.S. President Joe Biden. “You have to give credit where credit is due. It’s the bop. Did I use that correctly?” He hadn’t used it correctly.
Excerpts of the lyrics have been translated and reprinted below, with permission from producer Quincy Jones:
“My daddy served in the KGB, where he lost his right eye,
But he flew a different flag depending on the geopolitical and legal state of our nation and of course you have to consider external recognizance of the Federation until the day that he died…”
“Hey, leader Putin put your name at the top of his list,
And the steeples of the Kremlin quivered and hissed,
And it’s gonna be hell when you hear Mother Russia start plucking the balalaika (untranslatable)”
“Justice will be served and the battle will rage,
This big bear will fight when you rattle his cage,
And you’ll be sorry you messed with the Russian Federation…
We’ll stick a boot in your ass, after a prolonged period of us doing that distinctive Russian dance where we kick them out, and we yell “hey” when we kick, and also, we are wearing the big furry hats just to really hammer home the Russian stereotypes… It’s the Russian way.”
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.