Veterans around country running to become next douchebag congressman
By Taskforce Football Bat
AMERICA — With the nation moving into a critical midterm election year, veterans around the country are vying to become the next spineless piece of shit who will toe the line for their party leadership in Congress.
Campaigns across the country are promising voters more of the same old dog whistles and culture war bullshit, along with a heavy focus on fabricated issues of no consequence. But on some candidates’ websites, there’s more.
While ensuring they pander to their base, veteran candidates are also going the extra step to highlight their service and its relevance to how well they will let down anyone hoping for a functioning constitutional democracy in Washington.
“I’m a fighter, and I’m going to go to Washington and engage in mortal combat on your behalf,” says the ‘About Me’ page of a former Green Beret running for office, “just like I did in combat, to protect your freedoms.”
These veteran candidates have many attributes that set them apart from the field – leadership experience, the privilege of having been shot at for no real reason, and the ability to say or write the word ‘veteran’ about 10,000 times per day – but they also see themselves as equipped to be effective members of Congress.
Another candidate boasts, “I was decorated for valor in combat, so that gives me license to dehumanize the public servants who were elected by my fellow citizens and whom I will soon call ‘colleagues.’”
“Have no fear, partisan base,” one candidate tells his voters, “I am a rugged individual who will douche it up immediately upon arrival in the swamp, disappointing anyone who is hoping for elected leaders to get back to governing with humility and a willingness to compromise.”
“I wasn’t afraid of the Taliban,” another candidate writes, “but I will be fucking petrified of my extreme base, living in constant fear of being seen as not obstinate, obstructionist, or damaging enough to democracy for them, just like everyone else who is elected nowadays.”
The ‘next disappointing camo wave’ has not yet reached full steam as it is early in the electoral season, but pundits predict that the phrase ‘when I was protecting our country’ will be used somewhere between 10 and 20 billion times between now and November by candidates as they compete to officially become complicit in the ills that plague our nation.