Taliban sergeant major yells at new recruits for walking on his sand
By Cat Astronaut
KABUL — Outside a facility where the Taliban is training up its next generation of soldiers, Taliban Sgt. Maj. Habibullah Mubakzai was seen berating new recruits for walking on his sand.
“Ay there, freedom fighter! Get ‘chyer daggone filthy sandals off my sand!” Mubakzai screamed, as a number of terrified junior Taliban soldiers scampered to the sidewalk. “The supreme leader didn’t build all these pristine sidewalks just so yer nasty feet can soil my friggin’ dirt!”
While walking on the sand is technically not against Taliban policy, senior enlisted Taliban members are well known for “absolutely destroying” anyone who steps foot on their sand.
It’s unclear where this unofficial Taliban policy came from, but a number of senior Taliban noncommissioned officers have their own theories. Mubakzai says walking on the sand symbolizes taking shortcuts.
“There’s no shortcuts in the fight to destroy the infidel,” Mubakzai said. “If I let these limp dicks cut corners and walk on my sand now, next thing you know they’ll get cold feet when it’s time to blow themselves up outside a school or something.”
Other senior enlisted leaders say it’s simply a matter of good order and discipline. According to Taliban 1st Sgt. Abdullah Fahid, even a single toe stepping onto the sand can compromise everything they’ve worked for over decades of war.
“Hold up there muj-ivator! That’s my daggum sand yer standing on!” Fahid yelled at a soldier who had briefly stepped off the path to scratch his foot. “When yer in combat and there’s some goddam American terrorist aiming his rifle at you with his fat, filthy fingers, are you gonna walk on the sand then? I think not.”
Younger soldiers often complain about the policy, citing the fact that literally the entire country is sand and there’s nothing else to walk on.
“I think it’s just a defense mechanism where Sergeant Major is displacing frustration about his own insecurities and projecting it onto helpless victims, while at the same time clinging futilely to the one pathetic little thing that he knows,” said Pfc. Javid Khan. “But that’s just me.”
At press time, Mubakzai was seen screaming at a private for violating grooming standards by having a beard that wasn’t mangy and disgusting enough.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News. Cobra Commander contributed reporting.