Montana militia discharges 24 soldiers for being vaccinated
By Cobra Commander
BOZEMAN, MT — The Montana Independent Liberation Force has discharged 24 soldiers for being vaccinated, militia spokesman Archduke LeRoy McGrimace announced. McGrimace confirmed the militiamen were involuntarily separated for receiving the vaccine against strict orders.
“We understand that our soldiers have differing points of view on many issues, but this is not a readiness issue, it’s a political one,” said McGrimace from a Rascal scooter recently liberated from the Wal-Mart on 7th Avenue.
The militia had announced a deadline of January 6th for not being vaccinated and several soldiers refused to comply. Many soldiers in the militia thought they would be granted religious waivers, but they have all been denied, according to militia chaplain, Paladin 4th Class Tom Vanderboot.
“We want to take all religious objections seriously, but if a guy doesn’t get any other vaccines or even basic dental care, then all of the sudden he’s got a problem with not getting this vaccine? It makes you wonder,” Vanderboot said.
The militia had already separated 5 soldiers during basic training, which consists of shooting (and drinking) beer cans at Grandma Tully’s farmhouse out past the airport.
Official militia statistics show that, while there are a few hold-outs, 97.3% of the paramilitary force had already not received the vaccination.
The militia has been reacting to Covid-19 and issuing ever-evolving policy instructions for the last two years. Earlier this month, however, they laid out their final policy in a rambling GroupMe message that, consistent with other militia policy documents, contained gratuitous racist imagery.
But, not all militia leadership agrees with the policy.
“How am I supposed to open carry in the Saint Patrick’s Day parade and make people feel uncomfortable if my men are getting kicked out for being vaccinated?” asked Commodore Jimmy Whitesnake as he fed his raccoons.
Many militia soldiers believe that the requirement to not get a vaccine infringes on their constitutional rights.
“I joined this militia to intimidate racial justice protesters, not to be told that I can’t boost my immune system against coronavirus,” claimed one soldier who wished to remain anonymous. “Also to impress my cousin for… other normal reasons”.
Members of the Montana Independent Liberation Front are already required to not get as many as 17 vaccines, including for smallpox, hepatitis, polio and the flu. There has been a narrow exemption granted for the rabies vaccine after multiple squirrel consumption-related outbreaks.
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.