Toddler aimlessly wandering around base may be lost child or new XO
By Slab Squatthrust
NORFOLK — Multiple witnesses confirmed that a toddler was seen wandering on Amphibious Drive at Naval Base Little Creek earlier today. Bystanders however could not confirm whether it was a lost child from the Child Development Center or their new executive officer (XO).
Occurring just after nap time, the toddler reportedly was holding what looked like orders but also might have been a crayon illustration of a stegosaurus driving a monster truck. When base security approached the member, the subject waved at them, shit his pants, and then threw a rock at the security vehicle.
“I wasn’t sure if he waved or saluted, either way, I saluted back and asked if he needed to know where the wardroom was or if he wanted some milk from his baba,” said MP officer Jerry Knox, who first encountered the confident-yet-seemingly-lost individual.
“He said something about policies and procedures for Operation Fart Bucket and asked for an apple sauce pouch.”
“I sent him on his way with a base map, phone directory, and directions to the toy section of the PX,” added Knox, who still felt uneasy letting the little guy just wander around making raspberry noises.
“I think he’s our new XO,” Petty Officer 3rd Class Nate Wilbanks told reporters while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the new addition to the crew. “He seems pretty professional. I mean after that 4-hour PowerPoint he gave of pictures of his favorite monster trucks, I’m pretty convinced he’s the best one we’ve had on this ship.”
“We’ve had too many immature and childish XOs in the past and when we finally got this guy, everything seemed to fall into place,” Wilbanks added. “I don’t know where he came from but he knows what he wants, says whatever comes to mind, and never apologizes for anything.”
The seemingly experienced new XO has already napped in the stateroom of the USS Whidbey Island (LSD-41), which provided him with lots of coloring books and a big boy cup. Sources confirmed he did however throw a tantrum after one of the chiefs asked him why he drew Peppa Pig on the Chief’s Mess door.
“Maybe he can assist in helping the Child Development Center find that one missing kid,” said Ensign Ron Norling, playing play-dough with the new XO. “He’s a super-smart guy and I hope he makes Admiral someday.”