Study: Rising sea levels may affect thousands of warrant officers lounging on beach during middle of workday
By Cat Astronaut
According to a new Department of Defense study into the effects of climate change on military operations, rising sea levels could inconvenience thousands of warrant officers lounging on the beach during the middle of the workday.
“Many warrant officers return to the exact same beach to relax every afternoon when they’re supposed to be at the office,” one of the study’s authors Dr. Maria Triano said. “Even a one-foot rise in sea level could destroy over half of warrant officers’ favorite sections of beach, forcing them to find other places to avoid work, which honestly they don’t need to deal with at this point in their career.”
The endangered warrant officer species has already seen its habitat reduced by prohibitions on going to the bar outside the front gate before 12pm and security cameras behind the supply shed where they used to hang out and smoke cigarettes.
The reduction in beach chairs, tiki bars, and warm sand between their toes on a late Tuesday morning could drive the species to levels of inconvenience not seen since the beginning of the Iraq war.
“In order to survive, the warrant officer is reliant on finding a relaxing and out-of-the-way place to avoid work for at least 75 percent of working hours,” Triano said. “If these warrant officers are forced to return to the office, there’s no telling the effects it could have on units’ coffee machines.”
According to the study, some other negative effects on warrant officers may include:
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Decreased ocean temperatures, making it a little more uncomfortable to take a dip when they’re supposed to be in a meeting;
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The coffee shop by the beach relocating down the street, which would be a slightly farther walk; and
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Forced migration to somewhere where cell phone signal is better and the unit can actually get a hold of them.
“It’s time for DoD to take concerted action to protect warrant officer lounging habitats,” Triano said. “Simply standing by while thousands of innocent warrant officers are forced to go to work is not an option.”
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News.