Taliban can’t believe they actually have to govern this shithole now
By Cat Astronaut
Following their rapid advance across Afghanistan in recent days, the Taliban expressed concerns about the fact that they “actually have to govern this shithole now.”
“The whole insurgency thing was fun, and capturing the major population centers was surprisingly easy,” said Taliban leader Haibatullah Akhundzada. “But governing this godforsaken hellscape is going to be an absolute nightmare.”
Many Taliban leaders are worried that decades of waging an insurgency have not given them the appropriate skills to effectively govern a diverse country of 39 million people.
“People keep asking me about ‘transportation infrastructure’ and ‘public services’ and ‘laws’ and stuff,” said Taliban Secretary of Transportation and former Shadow Secretary of Transportation Mohammed Ghazi. “Like, I don’t know, man. I just make IEDs.”
Political opposition to Taliban rule is expected to make their dreams of running an efficient modern bureaucracy even harder. Resistance has already sprung up in the Panjshir region, led by Ahmad Massoud, son of former mujahedin leader Ahmad Shah Massoud, who was assassinated by the Taliban in 2001.
“We’re not too worried about the Taliban,” said Massoud. “They’re just as – if not more – incompetent than just about everyone else that has ruled Afghanistan for the past couple centuries.”
“I give them five years at most.”
At press time, the Taliban also expressed regret that they had confiscated all this “shitty, overpriced, and impossible-to-maintain” American military equipment.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News.