Hilarious! Sergeant Major’s ‘funny stories’ really just hazing stories
By Blondes Over Baghdad
FORT BENNING, Ga. – Command Sgt. Major Harold Bellmont of the 1-325th Transportation Brigade stopped by the smoke pit to bond with the troops over some “funny stories” Monday, leaving the gathered soldiers to wonder if Bellmont understood the definition of hazing.
“He was looking at us with these wide eyes, expecting us to laugh,” Pvt. 1st Class Braydon Smith told the Duffel Blog. “Some of us did, but not because it was funny. He started with this story about how in his first assignment in like the 90s or something, the new guy always got duct taped to the flag pole at first formation, and then the whole platoon would draw dicks on him with a sharpie, only he reported at Thanksgiving so his platoon sergeant drew a hand turkey on his face with an arrow that said cock gobbler. I laughed because it was really uncomfortable and I wanted to like, offer him support. But now I want to talk to the Chaplain.”
Bellmont’s favorite story is “The golf one,” which is usually only shared after morning PT while Bellmont has a smoke. “There I was, my five iron shoved six inches up some private’s refuse chute, when the eltee walks in.” he begins. “He takes one look around, and backs out without making eye contact with any of us. And this guy over here yells “Fore!” The story is usually paired with inappropriate hand gestures and possibly a slap on the back.
Bellmont has reported shared his funny stories at several unit events. Sgt. Charlie Jackson reported that last family day, he spent an uncomfortable amount of time talking to his wife. “He kept telling her about how in his day, they just called all Mexicans ‘Garcia’ because there was no way to keep ‘em apart since they all look the same. The worst part is that he kept looking at her like she’d agree, saying “you Mexicans.’ She’s Salvadoran. She asked to leave immediately and I had to take her to Coldstone Creamery to get her to calm down.”
At press time, the gathered group had not heard Bellmont’s “funniest story, “ the one he usually only tells at the VFW, which would result in a SHARP complaint if he ever told it at work.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd