Ted Cruz tells US Army to get back to commercials that make his dick hard
By BYOBooyah
WASHINGTON — Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is not backing down from his criticism of what he’s called a “woke” Army recruiting campaign. On Monday he released a new statement emphasizing the urgent need for the Army to “get back to commercials that make my dick hard.”
The statement came after Cruz shared a deceptively edited video last week comparing Russian and U.S. Army recruiting commercials, and said, “perhaps a woke, emasculated military is not the best idea.”
The video first showed clips from a Russian Army advertisement with a soldier getting his head shaved, doing shirtless pushups, and shooting guns, presumably at Ukrainians. Cruz later called it “boner central” on the Senate floor.
The U.S. Army’s “The Calling” campaign, on the other hand, features actual active-duty soldiers speaking about their life before the military and what led them to choose service in the Army. The ads are intended to highlight the variety of different backgrounds and influences that inspire young men and women to enlist, which Cruz referred to in his statement as “Pussy-town, USA.”
“First off, I support the troops but we aren’t paying these people to talk,” Cruz said of Army soldiers. “I don’t want to know why you joined, I want to know when I can see you driving a tank over a ditch in slow motion to help me ejaculate.”
Cruz pointed to earlier ad campaigns such as “An Army of One” and “Army Strong” as examples of ads that stayed away from politics and the personal motivations of soldiers.
He further emphasized that while those ads failed to drive up recruitment numbers, they had the kind of imagery and theatrical music necessary for him to achieve sexual climax.
“The first time I heard someone say ‘There’s strong, and then there’s Army Strong’ I couldn’t even stand to excuse myself from the Senate chambers,” said Cruz. “Watching these new ads with two moms and soldiers who have feelings, my penis doesn’t respond at all.”
Cruz and others view the new ads as just another step towards emasculating the U.S. military in favor of diversity and inclusion. Those critics, which include such paragons of male virtue as Cruz, Tucker Carlson, and the My Pillow Guy, are confident actions like allowing women in combat arms, updating maternity flight suits, and these latest Army recruiting ads make America less safe.
“Every day China and Russia are putting out grade-A, hard dick-inducing content and definitely not compensating for anything,” said Cruz. “We’ll never win this global dick-measuring contest if we kowtow to the libs and stay flaccid.”
At press time, Cruz had been admitted to Walter Reed Hospital after watching the Marine Corps “Slaying a Fire Dragon” commercial for more than four hours.