Iran says nuclear weapons program purely for hunting and home defense
TEHRAN — In a shocking reversal, a spokesman for the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran admitted the country does have a nuclear weapons program but its leaders only intend to use them for hunting and home defense.
“Look, there is a lot of negative press around nukes these days,” Behruz Kamalvandi told reporters as he loaded a few warheads into the bed of his pickup truck and closed the tailgate. “But nuclear weapons don’t kill people, people kill people. We only want to use these puppies for hunting deer, ibex, and those pesky Sunnis in our backyard.”
Kamalvandi was responding to reporters who asked why Iran was enriching uranium up to 60% following an apparent attack on the Iranian nuclear facility at Natanz.
“Plus, we live in a dangerous neighborhood,” Kamalvandi continued. “We can’t just sit back and wait on the ‘world police’ if some other country’s military or their commercial passenger jet violates our sovereignty. Hell, the United States has been ‘helping’ two of our neighbors for the past 20 years and we’ve all seen how that’s gone.”
Prior to the Natanz blackout, Iran had been enriching uranium to 20%, far greater than the 3.67% enrichment limits set by the 2015 Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action. Though the U.S. unilaterally withdrew from the agreement via tweet under the Trump administration, President Biden’s Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, has been working with other world powers to bring Iran back to the negotiating table.
“Nuclear weapons have one purpose and one purpose only — to kill large amounts of people,” Blinken told reporters. “It is absolutely absurd that Iran would want to hunt an Ibex with a 100 kiloton nuclear weapon. Besides, the Iranian government already demonstrated its hunting prowess when they killed Neda Agha-Soltan during Green Movement Protests in 2009.”
International pressure notwithstanding, Iranian leaders remain unwavering in their dedication to their nuclear weapons.
“Those American ‘lib-tards’ would just love to take away our nukes,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said while wearing his ‘got nukes?’ t-shirt. “But it is our Allah-given-right to arm ourselves with nuclear weapons to hunt Zioni– ahem, I mean ‘big game,’ and to protect our homes.”
“My rights don’t end where your feelings begin,” he added. “They’ll have to pry my nukes out of my cold, dead hands.”
Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, small-time strategy grifter, and command climate change denier.
Dear reader,
Duffel Blog needs you. Aside from the warm and fuzzy feeling you’ll get from backing our team of military veteran writers for about the same cost as a cup of coffee, paid subscribers get more Duffel Blog stories and exclusive updates.
Thank you for your support,
Paul Szoldra, Duffel Blog founder and editor-in-chief
“They’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.”
—James Mattis, former Secretary of Defense