Radio Shack manager refuses to give National Guard general time off for drill
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Alexandria, Va. — Maj. Gen. Timothy P. Williams, Virginia’s highest-ranking National Guard officer, was unable to attend drill last weekend when his manager at Radio Shack refused to give him the time off, sources confirmed.
“Mr. Harrison is a grade-A ballbuster,” Williams said of his 19-year-old store manager. “I was several hours late to the Capitol riot response in January because he wouldn’t let me leave until we finished inventorying the beepers.”
Sources say the general’s staff became concerned after Williams failed to report to the Guard headquarters building on Saturday morning. When the executive officer called to see if the general was okay, Williams said his manager could not find another customer service representative to cover his shift.
“This is a real problem in the Guard and Reserves,” said Col. Melvin Tate, Williams’ executive officer. “When I finished up a year at the Army War College, I found out my position as a host at Red Lobster had been filled by some 16-year-old scab.”
In addition to his duties as a customer service representative at the Richmond highway Radio Shack, Williams has commanded the Virginia National Guard, Air National Guard, and Stonewall Jackson Boy Scout Council since 2014. Williams’ store manager, Zachary Harrison, told Duffel Blog that while the general may be a big shot in the National Guard, he still has a lot to learn about selling high-quality consumer electronics.
“Look, Timmy is a good kid, but sometimes he needs a little extra supervision,” Harrison told reporters. “Just like the Army Reserve general we let go a few months ago, he has a hard time digesting information unless it’s on slides with pictures and short bullets.”
“And God forbid you ask him to make a decision. Last month he wanted a legal review before letting a customer return their damaged Palm Pilot,” he added.
In spite of Harrison’s criticism, co-workers say Williams is a decent team member.
“I think he’s a great guy,” Travis Jenson, Williams’ coworker said of the general. “He’s always teaching us about mitigating risk, and he’s got some awesome stories from his time in the Green Zone in Iraq. What was that place he was always talking about? Oh yeah, the Green Bean or something. It sounded like a real nightmare.”
Williams’ civilian work ethic and reputation notwithstanding, legal experts say the United States Employment and Reemployment Rights Act, or USERRA, protects his ability to attend weekend drills regardless of his store manager’s restrictions. But some say the law is too flimsy and difficult to enforce.
“While USERRA is supposed to protect guard and reserve soldiers’ jobs while they are on military orders, that isn’t always how it works out,” said Pfc. Sandra Mays, a cavalry scout in the Virginia Guard. “When the other partners at my corporate law firm tried to vote me out during a deployment last year, I cited the act in the subsequent lawsuit. Unfortunately, they listed the official reason for termination as ‘repetitive use of profanity when interacting with clients’ and I lost the suit.”
“I mean it’s true, but fuck those grimy, fourth-fucking-tier law school merger monkeys,” said Mays. “In a perfect world, they would choke to fucking death on each other’s sweaty little micro-dicks.”
At press time, Williams had already switched schedules with a co-worker so he could attend drill next month.
“I really look forward to those weekends, especially the long lunches at the Golden Corral. If you’re lucky, some sweet older couple will thank you for your service and pay for your meal.”