Army holds safety stand-down to address dangers of drinking antifreeze
By Jack S. McQuack
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has mandated an Army-wide safety stand-down to address the dangers of casual antifreeze consumption, sources confirmed today.
“We haven’t seen a crisis of this magnitude since our last global stand-down back in ‘08 to train soldiers on the dangers of sticking their heads in fans to make their voices sound funny,” said Gen. James C. McConville, the Army chief of staff. “We are lucky that we caught this before it escalated to the level of the autoerotic asphyxiation stand down back in the ’80s.”
According to Agent Brett Rithjen of the Army Criminal Investigation Command, antifreeze, or “ethylene glycol” as it is known on the streets, is a pervasive and deadly chemical found in every community and socioeconomic class across the United States.
“While I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation, I can tell you that we have identified a large distribution network spanning all 50 states and abroad,” Rithjen said.
“Common ways dealers smuggle ethylene glycol is in secret containers in their vehicle’s engine compartments. I have even heard of them putting it into their air conditioners.”
“I hate to admit it, but I really respect their ingenuity,” he added.
The U.S Army Combat Readiness Center released nearly six hours of PowerPoint presentations, train-the-trainer, and “choose your adventure” on-line training featuring an anecdotal story about a down-on-his-luck automotive maintenance warrant officer and his preventable descent into antifreeze madness.
“This is a truly revolutionary prevention measure,” said Brig. Gen. Andrew C. Hilmes, the director of Army Safety. “Leaders and soldiers will be able to identify some of the warning signs of potential antifreeze poisoning and help before it is too late.”
Hilmes went on to describe some of the precursors of “riding the blue lightning,” which include: picking up a bottle of antifreeze, yelling ‘HU-AH,’ unscrewing the cap, placing it on the lips, and taking a long drink out of it.
“Prevention is key,” concluded Hilmes, “so we are looking at ways to eliminate ways soldiers come into contact with antifreeze at all Army installations and bases around the world.”
At press time, Combat Readiness Center officials were scrambling to create heat exhaustion stand down material after all heating and ventilation systems were banned Army-wide.
Veteran continues to serve country by pointing out uniform discrepancies on the internet
By Jack Mandaville on Feb. 1, 2014
PLYMOUTH, Minn. — A local veteran is taking to the web in what many call a one-man crusade against the breakdown of military order on the internet.
Thomas Trupia, a veteran of the Marine Corps and resident expert on everything, says that he became fed up with the lack of discipline that has overtaken the armed forces since his general discharge six years ago.
“We’re living in dangerous times,” Trupia tells Duffel Blog during an interview in the basement of his mother’s suburban home. “Back in my day, during the Old Corps, we didn’t dare disgrace the uniform standards like these young ones do today, much less post it online. I’m here to put them in check and enforce discipline online.”
The 28-year-old basement-dweller is part of a growing number of digital warriors who have traded in their rifles for the keyboard.
“You see that?” Trupia says as he points to an image posted on a popular military-themed Facebook page. “These Marines are in the privacy of their barracks room with their MARPAT covers on backward, making goofy faces and joshing for the camera as if they don’t have a care in the world. I can’t believe they have the gall to disparage the sanctity of the uniform like that.”
“Mom,” Trupia yells towards the door of his underground lair as he rests his keyboard atop his protruding stomach, “I’m going in hot! I’m going to need some pizza rolls and another Monster! And make sure you cook those things all the way through this time!”
Trupia then cracks his knuckles and proceeds to fire off a torrent of corrective language in the comment section of the Facebook page.
“Cuverz on backwurdz. No mcmap belt on ur cammie bottoms. Boot laces r untied. wow. i guess we just want to act like littel shitbags and disgrace the Core like that!!!!” Trupia types furiously. “i didnt step on the those yellow footprints to watch you bring dishonor upon every one who died for that uniform!!!! SHOW A LITTEL RESPECT FOR THOSE WHO CAME BEFOUR YOU TURDZ.”
But not everyone in Trupia’s community is amused by his effort to clean up the image of the military.
“The only place that asshole’s voice matters is on the internet,” says Matt Hunt, a veteran himself and former classmate of Trupia. “He was a loser in high school and is a loser now. I heard he got discharged from the Marine Corps because he couldn’t meet the weight requirements. So the kid came home, milked the VA for everything it was worth, and sits at home all day wearing a truck-stop Marine ball cap and acts like Colonel Cockwad on the internet.”
“The worst mistake I ever made was accepting his friend request on Facebook,” Hunt adds.
“I went on there one day and that guy had honed in on a post I was tagged in while I was in the Marines. He was just going off about how my gig line was off and how my low-reg was ‘bringing shame on Chesty and all the Marines who came before us.’ Holy crap, that picture was like five years old. I actually have a job, credit, and a home at this point in my life. He can Semper suck my balls.”
Yet Trupia maintains that his work is making a difference among the military and veteran community.
“If not me, then who?” he asks. “We’ve lost thousands of brave men and women in the last decade and a half of war. I would be doing their memories a disservice if I didn’t go around and correct the living for the way they conduct themselves online.
“A service member who doesn’t look squared away when they post personal pictures of themselves on the internet is 10 times more dangerous than any failed foreign policy decisions, breakdown in the confidence of our leaders, unnecessary conflicts, lack of support from Washington, rising cases of unemployment among veterans, rampant accusations of sexual harassment, massive budget cuts to the military, the questionable firings of respected general-grade officers …”
At press time, Trupia was calling Duffel Blog a bunch of total shitbags who are completely disrespectful of the military for this report.